A.S. Council Episode VII: The Farce Awakens

A long time ago in a meeting room far, far away…

It is a period of civil war. A.S. President Dominick Suvonnasupa has been taken to a land of darkness to meet with the supreme leader, Emperor Napolitano. However, thanks to our favorite friendly robot Siri-3PO, Council received live satellite footage of Dom Solo in his cell, from which he bravely led Council while imprisoned by UC bureaucracy.

First to address Council was Earl Warren College Council representative Andrew Huang — a former member of the land’s primary protector and finest news source, the UCSD Guardian. He told the council members to listen closely and look carefully, for evil may be lurking throughout their quarters. If ever an act of injustice was committed, Obi Huang Kenobi instructed the Council to inform him immediately so that he may strike these evil forces down.

Back to our fallen leader — Suvonnasupa informed the Council that Napolitano plans to set a future mandate for the UC Police Department. Body cameras, they will wear.

Senator Ryan Perez reported that Starbucks will open at Price Center during Week 5. Whether you enjoy black coffee or think our campus is being corporatized, the dark side is near. Taco Villa was also recently approved.

AS Vice President of Campus Affairs Taylor Valdivia was named Factor of the Week for organizing the Council’s retreat. She circled the room, high-fiving her fellow council members to the tune of Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger.” Weird, this is?

To close the meeting, the Guardian’s fearless leader and editor-in-chief Vincent Pham, otherwise known as Pham-akin Skywalker, addressed Council. Young Skywalker rose to the podium and discussed the conflicted relationship between A.S. and the Guardian. He said wisely: Friends, we are not, but enemies, neither we are.

Instead, Pham-akin declared that, through honesty, passion and conviction, both organizations could serve good rather than evil, students rather than egos. He dreamed that together, both could not only coexist but work together, yet separately, to eradicate the oppressive dark side so that the students may rise again.