How-to Guru: Guarantee You’ll Have the Worst Hangover, Ever

Just like it’s inevitable that a majority of college students will attend a college party at least once during their stay here at UCSD, it is also highly likely that substances of questionable legality (read: alcohol) will be present and subsequently be consumed. And because as college students, our prefrontal cortexes are not fully developed, we make questionable judgments when it comes to the amount of alcohol we choose to partake in. 

As such, we have written you a step-by-step guide to ensuring you have the worst hangover ever on every morning after the aforementioned parties. 

Step one: Have an empty stomach before you go out. Do not, under any conditions, eat a proper meal before partying. Stick to snacks, particularly avoid the deep fried and cheesy variety or anything that would pair well with the cheap alcohol you’re about to consume. Make sure to avoid anything that could make you feel even a little full. Balanced meals with protein, starch and vegetables are especially discouraged. 

Step two: Drink too much. This is almost laughably easy. All you have to do is not keep track of how many shots you take over the course of the night, look away every time someone is pouring you a mixed drink and make sure to take double shots in disposable Dixie cups all night. 

Also, play as many games of rage cage and beer pong as possible, making sure to play terribly so that you can lose and drink all the beer that your host has to offer. If possible, mix many different types of alcohol together and don’t stick to one kind for the night (i.e. only drinking dark rum). To really prove you’re dedicated to your goal, hop up for every keg stand until you’re too drunk to form coherent sentences.

Step three: Do not stay hydrated. Again, this is not hard to do. Don’t drink water for at least a full day before you go out partying and refuse water whenever offered at the party itself. When you get home, don’t even think about finishing off the contents of the water bottle on your desk. Go straight to bed, preferably without washing make-up off your face, if you’re wearing any. As an added bonus, don’t consume any bread or carbohydrates before you sleep. These will only act as a safeguard against potential nausea the morning after and detract from your goal of having the worst possible hangover.

Follow all these steps, and you will almost certainly wake up with a splitting headache, stomachache, nausea and light sensitivity. You won’t be at all motivated to get out of bed, let alone go outside and accomplish things. If you do succeed, make sure not to take a couple Advils for the headache or to have a hot cup of tea and a light breakfast to settle your stomach — or simply keep drinking! Bloody Marys and mimosas are a brunch staple for a reason. We guarantee that it will absolutely be the worst morning you have ever had!

Editor’s Note: If you do plan to follow our “helpful” advice or get terribly drunk, please remember to never drink and drive. Always party safely and responsibly.

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