You Will Never Fear Being Alone Again

Omegle.com is an online chat website on which people are randomly entered into anonymous one-on-one chat sessions under the usernames of “You” and “Stranger.” To your relief, you don’t even have to pretend to be Sir Shits-a-Lot who lives on 123 Fake Street because none of that registration mumbo jumbo is required. 

And no, don’t even think about conducting a nice conversation about your political views and favorite indie bands, bo-ring. Adopt any persona you’d like. It’s the Internet, for God’s sake, who’s judging? If you really had a life you’d be out talking to real people. 

Nine times out of 10, the stranger on the other end of the line will prompt you with the classy pick-up line, “ASL? ;)” — now this is where the fun begins.  Let your inner deviant run wild. Be creepy.  Who you will have the most fun being, however, is highly dependent on your victim. Here are some character ideas:

Slutty six-year-old. Use this if you’re talking to a dude — the older, the better. Shoot back with “6/f/lookin’ 4 a gud time” and when Stranger asks if you meant “16” not “6,” kindly correct him and go into a long dissertation about how you idolize Dora the Explorer and wish she would wear a padded kiddie bra like you do. This one requires attention to detail. Replace words with numbers where appropriate, intentionally drop vowels, and spell words juss lyke hw dey sound – only don’t get too carried away, Captain Obvious.

Creepy old guy. You know, the kind who lurks the candy aisle of Ralphs on Valentine’s Day hoping to win over doe-eyed girls with their over-rehearsed, saccharine lines. This works best with young girls, preferably in their teens. However old they are, simply add 30 years to their age and you’re golden. Remember – the more lust-induced speech, the better. Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” croons, “Mmm, I love high school girls. I get older, they stay the same age…stayin’ fresh for the pickin’.”  

Socially awkward freak. Interject random, useless facts about yourself while the other person is trying to talk. Steer the conversation away from socially accepted conventions. (Think Kristen Wiig’s lip-smacking, one-upping character on “SNL.”) This section doesn’t need much elaboration because if you’re actually doing this, chances are you’re probably already socially awkward. 

Don’t be offended if you are met with the message “Your conversational partner has disconnected” — some lame-os can’t take a joke. Forget that rager that you were expressly told not to show up to, and spend hours of fun huddled around your laptop suited up in your Forever Lazy. You will be laughing all night at the types of responses you will get, and at yourself for your progressively degenerative Friday nights.