“Red” has star power to spare — the cast is littered with cinematic giants like Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Mary Louise Parker. That’s about where the good points end. Despite all the sparkle in the credits, the film’s lackluster effort is reminiscent of other uninspiring action-comedies, except all the players are a few decades older.
“Red” outlines the dull life of Frank Moses (Willis), a retired CIA agent who spends his time adjusting to the suburbs and making glacially slow romantic advances over the phone to a frumpy woman he has never met. But when young CIA operatives attempt to kill him, Frank has to figure out why his prior employers are after him, roping his telephone girlfriend and a cast of quirky-yet-deadly former coworkers into the ensuing debacle.
There’s Joe (Freeman), aging master of disguise, who takes the screen with Marvin (Malkovich), a hyper-paranoid former-LSD-experimentee and Victoria (Mirren), a seductive but dangerous sharpshooter. Together they face the greatest challenge of their careers: breaking into the CIA and discovering why they have suddenly appeared on the government’s (s)hit list. Cue “Mission Impossible” theme music.
Don’t be fooled — “Red” devolves into a lurching archetypal mess by the end of the opening credits, trying to salvage a mundane action story peppered with retirement jokes and an uncomfortably odd Hollywood romance between Frank and Sarah Ross (Parker). Though the action sequences are well-executed (Malkovitch blows some bitches’ heads off while Willis fights with more grace than we could ever muster), they seem unnatural for a group of actors that probably hold membership to the AARP.
“Red” has enough blood to film another “Saw” and bullets for a redneck’s lifetime supply, but the film’s other elements fell surprisingly flat. Although intended as a nod to Sarah’s long-harbored wish to travel, the postcard-themed titles looked kiddy-kitschy in a flick so obsessed with its own masculinity.
Despite its numerous ticks, “Red” did do one man good: John Malkovich is brilliant as the severely affected Marvin. Armed and talented, paranoid and absolutely insane, Malkovich shines. Though we always questioned his sanity, the actor’s mania reaches new heights. Touting an enthusiasm akin to an overgrown kid at a candy carnival, Malkovitch swings an over-sized gun like a bat, hitting grenades back to their punk-ass sources as he spits, curses and cackles. Taking us back to the zenith of spy action, Malkovich reminds us why it’s awesome to, well, be John Malkovich.
Sadly, outside of the Malkovich variety hour, “Red” struggles by on life support. The minds behind “Red” seem to think action is the best remedy for Alzheimer’s and arthritis. We think Grandpa will agree; age may come before beauty, but never before plot. (C)
