Oh, Winter Quarter — notoriously dull, sexless and devoid of the carefree hookups famous to sunny San Diego. If you have your eye on a willing acquaintance, co-worker or TA, but don’t know quite how to take the plunge, wonder no more. Beat your winter dry spell with an after-hours hot-tub hookup — one of the most tried and true settings for seduction.
First off, you don’t actually need your own hot tub to get down in one. Most La Jolla complexes (many with low, hoppable gates) are equipped with a hot, bubbly body of water, and any Jacuzzi within walking distance is fair game.
Second, you’ll need suitable attire. If the hot-tub session is spontaneous, chances are slim that your hookup-to-be will be toting swim trunks or a cute bikini, so improvise. Strip down to your unmentionables. Guys: no T-shirts. Girls: nothing baggy. You both know where the night is going, so the sooner you loosen cumbersome clothing, the better.
You and your next conquest must be alone for your plan to succeed. A group setting will lead to the inevitable game of 10 fingers, eliminating all chances of getting anywhere — unless all involved are down for grouplovin’. Junior-high games will also takes the focus off you two, posing the possibility that you or your unwitting friends might reveal one too many hot-tub hookups past. Plus, there’s nothing worse than the awkward moment when the rest of the group exits the tub while you and your hookup-to-be linger, making your horny intentions uncomfortably clear.
The final item on your must-do list is obvious: Buy wine. Lots of it. If this is your first time hooking up in a public place, heavy intoxication is necessary. A bottle of two-buck Chuck will do fine — after all, class in a hot tub is certainly not key.
Now that you’re drunk and half-naked, floating in a pool of swirling, slightly nauseating foam, it’s time to get intimate. Ask those burning questions you’d never whip out in review session. Challenge your tub buddy to an innocent wrestling match. With most of your clothes and inhibitions gone, it’s time to move in for the kill.
How far you are willing to go in the hot tub is a matter of personal comfort. Feelings of shame or paranoia might bubble, but in most cases, it’s best to ignore them. Every rustling pinecone or squeaky fence will have you convinced that an elderly grandmother or group of preschoolers is about to walk in on your kinky escapade. These are the most glorious moments of your undergraduate existence — not a time for modesty.
At the very worst, a pervy security guard might force you to sheepishly climb out of the hot tub, collect your discarded clothes and stumble off back to your room (or the shuttle stop) — but don’t let Mr. Officer put a damper on your night. How-to Guru knows firsthand that in winter, there’s no greater priority than finding creative ways to stay warm.
Special how-to requests? Contact the guru at [email protected].
