Warning: ‘Lost’ Spoil to Follow

Just a little less than two weeks until the premiere of “Lost”’s final season, and I’m getting antsy. Think about all the questions we need answered: Is John Locke really dead, and is that mysterious Man in Black possessing him? What caused the statue of Tawaret to be destroyed, leaving only a foot behind? What happened when the hydrogen bomb exploded and everything went white — did Oceanic 815 land in Los Angeles?

Judging by the newly confirmed title of season six’s first episode, “LA X,” it’s still up for debate. The “X” in the acronym is deliberately separated from “LA” by a space, conjuring up images of Los Angeles International but also hinting that “X” is a variable. As Faraday clearly explains in season five’s “The Variable”: “Whatever happened, happened. All right? But then I finally realized … I had been spending so much time focused on the constants, I forgot about the variables. Do you know what the variables in these equations are, Jack?”

In essence, Faraday is saying that Jack, Kate and company have the power to mess with time and the universe if they use big enough tools — the hydrogen bomb being the boulder in the proverbial river. So it’s clear they can change the course of history, but that doesn’t answer anything. We’re left waiting for the last episodes like crack connoisseurs who’ve invested lots of time, money and energy in their crack hobby — which is why I’ve decided to provide my own all-encompassing theory that explains every single answer to LOST …wait for it: lizards. Seven-foot-tall, bloodthirsty, shape-shifting lizards.

In truth, these past few weeks I’ve been reading conspiracy theories on the Interwebs — you know, the Bilderberg Group, the 9/11 Conspiracy, mind control, etc.— and I stumbled on the Godfather of them all: David Icke. His dense New Age book “The Biggest Secret” spends over 500 pages weaving translated ancient texts and secondhand accounts of lizard man sightings all to conclude that the world’s elite are really a disguised alien race called the Annunaki planning global domination. So in honor of Mr. Icke, I’m going to transpose his fairly insane yet compelling theories onto the world of “Lost” speculation.

Here we go:

Jacob and the Man in Black are both highly evolved reptilians; one embraces humans and leads them to the island’s secrets, and the other has no faith in humanity. They have existed on Earth since ancient times, at least dating back to the Egyptians, but have never reached out openly to humans until the fateful day that Jacob calls the Black Rock (a 19th century slave ship) to the Island. One of the passengers on this ship is the mysterious Richard Alpert, still unfamiliar with the Island’s magic, but Jacob takes him under his wing and teaches him about eternal life. Richard becomes Jacob’s primary messenger and assistant for the human world, taking leadership of the others (the rest of the people on the ship) and overseeing them as they adapt to the island.

More than a century later, Jack, Locke, Kate and all the rest of the important players receive a special visit by Jacob, who pushes them in the direction of the island, ensuring their fate on the Oceanic flight. It’s unclear what Jacob intends for these humans — perhaps they have more potential than the rest of humanity, or maybe they’re part lizard and they don’t even realize it — but he guides them to the event-chain plane crash that begins “Lost.”

Going with the lizard motif, what if Jack and John’s fathers were also part of this reptilian bloodline, hiding out as civilians in human disguises and having children with human females? It would explain a lot about the fathers’ self-destructive, manipulative behavior and why both Christian Shephard and Anthony Cooper (Locke’s dad) can never seem to relate to their children (heck, Anthony even does malicious things like steal Locke’s kidney and push him out of a window). It would also answer why Christian and Anthony both appear on the island as if out of thin air, and why Christian guides Locke to push the underground wheel that stops all the wacky time travel.

Ultimately, the “Lost” writers have an absurd undertaking here. Trying to wrap up all these loose ends and plot holes, they just might need an ancient lizard conspiracy. Yes, it sounds so crazy that I’m not sure I even believe it. But come May, I might be having the last laugh.

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