Evacuate the Premises: Roommate Repellants

Though our time spent away at college is supposed to constitute the golden years, the mystical forces of res-life offices and Craigslist ads have been known to put a damper on your fun: They’re the ones responsible for your god-awful roommate.

To avoid the hassle of moving into new digs, though, it’s preferable to fight back, treating your in-house potbellied nudist with the same unsavory medicine you’ve been force-fed until he can’t take it anymore.

Here, How-to Guru examines the careful art of roommate evacuation.

The first obvious investment for any hopeful evictor: a bumpin’ sound system. It’s important to first determine what kind of music will most irritate your roommate, as it would be an utter waste to spend half an hour blasting System of a Down only to learn that the Dungeons & Dragons fanatic with whom you share a toilet is actually into them. Once you’ve finally hit a nerve, milk Mariah Carey’s falsetto for all it’s worth; there’s no time quite like 7 a.m. for a croaky “Fantasy” sing-along.

Of course, just you and Mariah won’t suffice. If a new roommate’s invading your territory, capitalize on the fact that this is your home, and that your toenail clippings won’t be leaving the living-room carpet anytime soon. A few stray toilet-seat pubic hairs might be kind of gross; an outright refusal to shut the bathroom door during business time, however, is the stuff of eviction champions.

On that note, outrageous displays of disregard for cleanliness are generally safe bets — but only those capable of testing your roommate’s kindness. Don’t refrain from bathing unless you can commit until a colony of flies encircle your head like an insectan halo. Instead, consider giving up on dishwashing; the higher the stack of Pizza Pocket-encrusted plates left to haunt your roommate’s dreams, the better.

The separate but comparably effective tactic of uncomfortable flirtation also works wonders. Come home drunk — or, for optimum creepiness, completely sober — and feign attraction to this roommate or his/her significant other, even if he/she possesses all the sexual allure of roadkill.

Don’t attempt such a daring play unless you’ve got serious acting chops. Bursting into giggles mid-come-on will only make you into the dick, which will only prompt revenge. The objective, after all, is not to wreck your roommate relationship; it’s to end it definitively, with no turning back — not even for those stale Twinkies he left in your side of the pantry.

Most importantly, though, don’t be deterred by initial feelings of embarrassment at your newfound inconsideration. You may not be rolling out the welcome mat, but by the time your humble abode no longer reeks of nudist musk, you’ll be too relieved to worry about guilt.

Special how-to requests? Contact the guru at [email protected].

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