Four More Reasons to Hate on the Evil Empire

First, an introduction. I, Joe, am a lifelong Angels fan who has watched the team since the days when Chili Davis was stealing bases, Chuck Finley wasn’t getting beat up by women and Jim Abbott was doing it all with one hand. My partner in crime, Cameron, is a lifelong Mariners fan, so he grew up having people steal from him and beat him up.

There’s one thing in the world of baseball, however, we always can agree on. Actually, there are two. First, the “Real World/Road Rules Challenge” is more exciting than baseball. Second, the Yankees suck.

The latter is the issue to which this column will be dedicated.

So here they are: the top four reasons to hate the Yanks.

1. A-Rod. It’s simple: He’s probably the biggest douche in all of baseball. When Alex Rodriguez is not in a batter’s box, he’s looking in the mirror, flexing and oiling his muscles. He used to be an innocent kid rising to stardom in Seattle — now he has blossomed into the sport’s most supreme bag o’ asshole.

When offered a monster contract with Seattle, Rodriguez showed his true colors by accepting a slightly bigger deal with a last-place Texas team. He’s a media whore, dating celebrities looser than an old sock — including Madonna and Kate Hudson ­— and always on the downside of their careers. (Making an Alex Rodriguez-Betty White pairing extremely possible, and kind of a sexy prospect.)

2. Johnny Damon. How do you go from being the face of the 2004 World Series Champion “idiot” Boston Red Sox team to the New York Yankees? He pretty much crapped on the entire Red Sox Nation when he signed with New York. He went from a lovable caveman with the facial hair of a Rabbi to a stereotypical clean-shaven Yankee pretty boy.

Basically, Damon sold his balls to the Steinbrenners, and now isn’t even good enough to play in the miniscule patch of turf the Yankees call an outfield. Speaking on behalf of the Red Sox Nation: Screw You, Johnny.

3. The fans/payroll. While the Yankees are the epitome of pure evil, Yankee fans are the epitome of bandwagoneering morons. Yankee fans are the most annoying, biased, lame, annoying, annoying, annoying and irrational of all fanatics — maybe even more so than Dodger fans.

Must be nice to be able to pick up every single Type A free agent each off-season. It’s like playing MLB ’06, altering the management settings, giving your team unlimited funds and making incredibly uneven trades to stock your team with All-Stars.

There are only three people on that team with true Yankee ties, and the fans don’t even care. They’re happy to root for whatever overpaid, overrated, over-the-hill player wanders into town, and then equally as content to boo him at first chance.

4. Derek Jeter. Yeah, Derek Jeter. Why do we have to like Derek Jeter? Whenever people talk about not liking the Yankees, somebody always interjects, “What about Jeter?”

We’ll tell you about Derek Jeter: He’s a below-average defensive player, his batting average is high because of all the guys hitting behind him and he has herpes. Don’t just let that go — it’s something we need to talk about more often.

Don’t tell us that we can hate the Yankees, but we have to like Jeter. We don’t like Derek Jeter, and no matter how many times Joe Buck and Tim McCarver verbally fellate him, I will not like Derek Jeter.

And again, he allegedly has herpes, and he allegedly gave those herpes to Jessica Alba — and she was hot, but now she allegedly has herpes too. Screw you, Derek Jeter. Screw you for allegedly giving Jessica Alba herpes.

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