{grate 1.5} When a movie calls on one of its characters to start
spouting taglines from the trailer as part of his motivational speech (“Never
give up! Never back down!”), you know your brain cells can look forward to a
very special kind of death.

Relative newcomer Sean Faris (“Sleepover”) plays Jake Tyler,
a troubled teen expelled from school for fighting during a football game after
a rival made the mistake of pressing his big red “Daddy Issue” button. He moves
to a new school in Florida, where
the girls’ uniforms appear to be a low-cut blouse with lots of skin. Jake’s
past tussling skills catch the attention of local bully Ryan McDonald (Cam
Gigandet). After Ryan’s girlfriend, Baja Miller — who, despite living in a
mansion, doesn’t own any piece of clothing bigger than a hanky — sets Jake up,
reigning champ Ryan painfully and violently introduces him to the world of
underground mixed martial arts fighting.

Of course, the fact that everyone at school is eagerly
acquainted with the secretive club completely defeats its underground status.
After having his internal organs rearranged, Jake, like any good hormonally
driven teenager, must reclaim his manhood and is informed of a veteran fighter
with a martial arts gym conveniently located down the street. Enter Djimon
Hounsou to fill the token role of “wise minority trainer with mysterious
foreign accent,” or, in this case, Jean Roqua for short.

The gifted Hounsou, Oscar-nominated for his work in both
“Blood Diamond” and “In America,” is reduced to sporting a tuft of mean,
salt-and-pepper chin hair and delivering enlightened lines like, “Those who
come here for the wrong reasons never last.” Funny how the “right reasons” for
choking off a rival’s air supply or employing a submission hold are
suspiciously never explained.

Cue the training montage and aggressive hip-hop music as
Jake prepares for the big showdown with the covertness Clark
Kent would have
envied: intelligent high school student by day, crippling karate kid by night.
It’s no wonder Hounsou described the flick as “refreshing — it’s a
light-hearted film.”

Take notes, kids. Sure, while one-liners and slapstick are
humorous, nothing brings on the hilarity quite like hospitalization and
bleeding orifices.

When asked what message he wanted audiences to take away
from this movie, Faris replied, “It’s not about encouraging violence, not
ending things with violence … to have discipline, self-control, to only fight
as the last resort to defend yourself and those you love.” A true statement, if
you completely ignore the first 55 minutes of the film.

Unfortunately, Hounsou’s commanding presence and Faris’
affability and disarming pre-Scientology Tom Cruise grin just can’t ground a
flick so removed from reality. Parents encouraging beat downs or contenders
bouncing right back after coma-inducing assaults with nary a wince all seem to
challenge our willingness to suspend disbelief. Even the love between Jake and
Baja grows so banal and agonizing that we pray they just quickly shag and be
done with the whole mess.

To call “Never Back Down” a cliche would be much too easy —
accurate, but easy. It’s more of an irritating, forced trip down memory lane,
taking you back to the archetypal, much more believable storylines of “The
Karate Kid” or even “Bloodsport,” if you subtracted Van Damme’s French accent,
substituted the Hong Kong backdrop for Orlando
and threw in some unabashed product placement for YouTube to make it more
relatable to today’s generation. Hell, they even included the wise-cracking,
floppy-haired best friend/sidekick for nostalgia’s sake.

If nothing else, it’s an exercise in the fine art of
plagiarism. Writer Chris Hauty seems to borrow key plot elements from more
entertaining martial arts predecessors, throw them against the wall and
incorporate what sticks into a story, proving once again that the Spaghetti
Method, though it works wonders for pasta, is disastrous for film.