After trying to read a piece about exploring the vagina without showing how embarrassed I was, it was time for the questions. I still remember the question, “What do you think your vagina smells like?” I was shocked, but I recovered enough to answer. “”Garlic,”” I said, “”because it is so strong but at the same time irresistible.”” It was that moment when I felt the most liberated.
For the last two years, I have auditioned for the UCSD production of the “”Vagina Monologues,”” a play written by Eve Ensler that premiered off-Broadway in 1996. The first time I tried out, the audition was held at the old Women’s Center in the brown building across the street from Gilman Parking Structure. I had never read Ensler’s book, but had heard it was dedicated to fighting violence against women. I was willing to sign up for the experience.
During my audition, Susie Hatmaker, a Thurgood Marshall College senior and one of the show’s directors, had contagious enthusiasm for the production. Indeed, for many involved with “”Vagina Monologues,”” it is the vagina questions during the audition that frees them the most. For John Muir College junior Kaneesha Williams, one of the cast members of the 2007 production, questions like “”What would your vagina say?”” or “”What would your vagina wear?”” are perhaps the most striking moments of the experience. Williams had seen parts of a professional production of the show on HBO, but what convinced her to audition for the show was listening to a former cast member talk about her experience in the play. Many of the women who end up in the UCSD production have no theater experience but are drawn to the show by the opportunity to create dialogue about what it is to be a woman.
This year when I went in to audition, they asked me about my favorite vagina moment. It was easy this time – it is when I began to recognize my body and learn to love it. I have always wanted to be smaller, to be more this and less that. However, eventually I realized it was OK to be happy with the way I am. Being a woman, it is OK if I don’t look like a supermodel. It is something I had talked about countless times, but finally I started my own journey to acceptance when I felt comfortable enough to audition for “”Vagina Monologues.”” I may have been embarrassed, but the fact that I faced the awkwardness was the beginning of self-acceptance.
It may seem extreme to reduce the female identity to the vagina, but it is a way of forcing women to acknowledge something that is central to the feminine experience. Even pronouncing the word “”vagina”” makes some women cringe. On the popular show “”Grey’s Anatomy,”” everyone identified with Dr. Bailey when she referred to her vagina as her “”va-jay-jay.”” The fact that the word “”vagina”” needs a substitute says something about the awkwardness of the female experience. For Williams, being a part of “”Vagina Monologues”” has been a way to ease that awkwardness. When asked about her favorite moment as related to the show, she stalled and then said, “”I don’t know. I would say – literally – probably talking about vaginas with my friends and realizing I don’t feel awkward.””
For director Laura Tang, being involved with the show has helped her transition through a rough patch. She has been involved with the show for the past three years, as a producer last year and a house manager during her first year. After graduating last year with a degree in human development, she returned to assist Hatmaker and the other director of the show, Eileen Brown, when they were experiencing a shortage of staff. For the cast and production team, this is a huge commitment. First for the three directors, also serving as producers, there are the five days of auditioning when they conduct interviews for 12 hours each day. After this, there is a five-hour commitment each week for the cast and production team. The directors, however, cannot quantify the work they do in order to produce four shows in the middle of February. For Hatmaker, the huge commitment it takes to stage the show is worth it because “”Vagina Monologues”” makes her feel connected to UCSD.
Even without pay, the work they do is important, not only because it often starts a discussion for many women about being women, their identities and their struggles. The show serves as a fundraiser for organizations dedicated to helping women, with the proceeds from the ticket sales going to charity. Ten percent of the proceeds from the UCSD show go to the V-day organization, an organization that aims to raise money and awareness to prevent violence against women. The remaining money goes to a local organization in San Diego called License to Freedom, which is dedicated to providing women with driver’s education so that they can get their drivers licenses and take themselves away from abusive situations. As Brown told me, “”Women’s violence needs to be addressed, it needs to be something we’re fighting against.””
