On a lazy Saturday the day after the Sun God festival, the Guardian squared off against its archnemesis the Koala in the annual sloshball game to decide which publication could claim the title of best campus newspaper. While the Guardian made a valiant effort, the Koala came out on top in two back-to-back games and came away with bragging rights until next year’s contest.

Leading the Guardian offensive, News Editor Charles “Ichiro” Nguyen kept setting the table at the top of the order with infield hits and sheer grit. Though his drinking methods were questionable and he never stepped foot on the field for defense, Nguyen was instrumental in keeping the Guardian within distance of the Koala until the very end.

The Koala relied on offensive firepower and kept the Guardian out on the field playing defense for extended periods of time with hard ground balls through the infield, deep flies over outfielders’ heads and lined shots into the gaps.

Shoddy defense proved to be a constant obstacle for the Guardian team, but hired ringer Andy Stanton provided a bright spot in the outfield when he made a SportsCenter Top 10-like diving catch to end the third inning and save at least two runs.

Stanton also came through with some power in the middle of a contact-oriented Guardian lineup, as he drove a ball over the rightfielder’s head for a three-run homer to bring the Guardian within five runs.

The Koala kept tacking on runs to its lead, but the Guardian remained close behind, and finally a six-run fourth inning brought the Guardian to a tie with the Koala. But more of the usual hard-hit balls from the Koala team and questionable Guardian defense gave the Koala the lead right back.

The Guardian batters did their best to get back in the game, but the constant drinking took a toll on the team, and it showed from the batter’s box to the basepaths. The Guardian got back-to-back hits from Nguyen and design guru Richard Choi and both players ended up at second base to nurse their respective beers. Another hit sent both Choi and Nguyen barreling toward third base, and just after Nguyen rounded third, he slowed due to drinking fatigue and Choi passed him. Both runners would reach home plate, and thanks to pure drunkenness on the Koala side, the error went unnoticed and both runs were counted.

With the score still close and the keg getting lighter, the game became heated as both benches cleared following a play at the plate. News writer Serena Renner was behind the plate when a huge Koala player rounded third and approached home plate without sliding. It appeared Renner tagged him out; however, like in the rest of the game, the Koala team would not accept its fate and immediately began arguing.

I came charging toward the Koala baserunner to argue the Guardian’s side only to be met with a fierce sidekick to the stomach. As I was doubled over, my Guardian teammates came to my aid and both teams erupted in a commotion in front of home plate. After the dust settled down, it was decided that a drink-off would fix the argument, and the Koala went on to win it and counted the cheap run.

A couple of innings later, the Koala remained ahead by a slim margin thanks to some huge hits from slugger Dirty Mike. Mike’s hits kept the Koala on top and his drinking habits emptied the keg at a fast pace. By the time the Guardian ended the top half of the inning and was prepared to hit, the Koala team started using shady tactics to finish off the keg in order to officially end the game before the Guardian could get a chance to come back.

The game ended with the Koala on top, but bad blood and the thirst for revenge prompted some Guardian members to return to the field with fresh beer and the idea to start a new game. However, the second game did not last long, as the Koala took advantage of an unmotivated Guardian squad and cruised to a blowout.

While the Koala can claim victories in both games, all participants in the annual sloshball competition know what happened and that the Koala team needed to use some tricks of the trade to pull off the victory.

Though some discrepancies are to be expected in any sloshball game, we can only hope that next year’s contest will provide a more level playing field and a deeper keg.