“”We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.””
— H.L. Mencken
Scientology, you’ve gone too far.
I’ll give you John Travolta, Beck, Jason Lee and even that charming redhead, Laura Prepon. I’ll give you that asshole Tom Cruise and his blank-eyed drone, Katie Holmes.
But Isaac Hayes? Oh no, you little fucker. That’s too much.
In case you dear readers don’t follow the bizarre footnotes of Hollywood goings-on, Isaac Hayes, who voices the womanizing, chocolate ball-making chef on “South Park,” quit the show because he was upset about its skewering of religion. Nevermind that he made not a peep when the show poked fun at Christianity, Islam, ranting Jewish mothers, gays, metrosexuals and every other group that makes satire more fun because they’re so damn sensitive about everything.
Trey Stone and Matt Parker, creators of the show, capitalized on the obvious hypocrisy of Hayes’ move. “He has no problem — and he’s cashed plenty of checks — with our show making fun of Christians,” Stone said. Those checks probably went toward Scientology, which demands increasingly large amounts of money as members progress to higher Operating Thetan levels (I kid you not).
Well, to hell with this. What kind of world do we live in when a science fiction-esque “religion” gets in the way of Hollywood actors doing what they do best: lending their talents to the most off-color, entertaining shows Comedy Central cares to air?
Perhaps L. Ron Hubbard was wilier than he seemed when he set up the Celebrity Center in 1955 to recruit celebrities and raise the profile of Scientology. Jesus! He’s stealing our entertainment!
If Kaballah is the senile uncle of the Hollywood Fake Religion family, then Scientology is the evil, psychotic stepsister. It’s all very ironic because the beliefs Scientology espouses don’t seem to mesh very well with Hollywood values — specifically the values of being hedonistic, free-spirited and not a complete asshole on the “Today Show.”
If Katie Holmes stays with Tom Cruise, it’s doubtful she’ll ever act again (not that that will have created a huge vacuum of talent) — and now Isaac Hayes may quit the business for good. Let’s all pray the Hollywood money-grubbing machine outlasts the Crazy Mill, and Scientology passes.
But that’s doubtful, because if there’s anyone who will fall for anything and everything that’s batshit insane, it’s a celebrity. My theory is that stars tire of their usual routine of dieting, tanning, primping, doing coke, upgrading their mansions, and making and breaking engagements, so they gulp some Crazy Pills to spice up their lives. Think of all the weak-willed stargazers who have taken up Scientology because their favorite celebrity adopted it. Poor wretches.
I know what you’re thinking: I hate religion. Not true! Religion is a fabulous thing, as long as it doesn’t affect my life in any way and doesn’t make soul legends quit animated TV shows.
In fact, I’ve even given up coffee for Lent. The experience is, as predicted, terrible. I don’t feel more spiritual, I feel more tired. But all that suffering pales in comparison to the sense of smugness and superiority I feel when ordering a chai latte or hot chocolate at a coffee shop, or passing those by altogether. Isn’t smugness and superority what religion is all about? I’d say yes … if I weren’t so goddamn tired.
As usual, I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make. But please, Isaac, quit sucking on the tit of insanity and hie thee back to South Park. Your viewing audience needs you more than Xenu does.
