In the world of comic book movies, we thought we’d seen it all. Quite possibly the least reliable film genre in terms of quality, even individual comic book franchises have been through their share of ups and downs, from disappointing (“X-Men”) to impressive (“X-Men 2”) and from classic (“Batman”) to downright embarrasing (“Batman and Robin”). It makes sense, then, that nobody expected “Catwoman” to be very good. Nobody, however, could have been prepared for just how bad it really was.
It takes a very special kind of director to strap Halle Berry into a shredded dominatrix outfit for most of her screen time and still manage to make the film unwatchable. That special kind of director is Pitof, a special effects expert in his first, and certainly his last, full-length directing role. Halle Berry begins by portraying Patience Phillips, an advertising slave so pathetically inept and mousish that her murder early in the film seems like a mercy kill.
As Patience’s body, washed up on a misty dump site, is ressurrected by a tubby CGI cat, it becomes apparent that if Pitof is known for his special effects work, he must have leased the job out to the lowest bidder. The magical cat’s effect on Patience is almost instant; it instills in her the uncontrollable urge to get a makeover. The following scenes, where Berry devours cans of tuna and covers herself in catnip, are inexplicably played in dead seriousness, as if Pitof never realized how awful it would look to have Halle Berry hissing at dogs as she walks down the sidewalk. The actual plot, which feels more like a throwaway subplot from “Spy Kids 2,” is a paradox in itself. On one hand, the “makeup-company-hiding-frightening-side-effects” idea could be called an attempt at social commentary. On the other hand, the most empowering thing about post-ressurrection Catwoman seems to be her new taste for whore-red lipstick.
Even when the stilleto boots and leather push-up bra come out, the film never picks up. The thing that made Michelle Pfeifer such a perfect Catwoman in “Batman Returns” was the sinister darkness of her character and look. Berry might have been able to pull it off — she certainly looks the part — except that the director keeps her bathed in so much glowing blue “moonlight” that Catwoman, her leather and everything around her look plastic.
Though we never find out just why Catwoman likes to bounce around on top of buildings, or why she made that skimpy suit in the first place, we certainly don’t care. The best part of the film may be Sharon Stone as the makeup company’s plastic-faced aging model, but since she’s essentially spoofing herself, the whole bit comes off as depressingly desperate.
The good news? Although bad comic book movies (“Spider-Man”) generally have much-better sequels (“Spider-Man 2”), “Catwoman” grossed less than half of its total production costs, meaning this is one comic book franchise that won’t have a sequel — let alone nine lives.
