Apparently I’m a “”man-hater.”” As sad as this sounds, I’ve been told this on several occasions by several different people. But I don’t think that I’m a so-called “”man-hater.”” I always imagined “”man-haters”” to be bitter, emasculating women who castrate men and hand their balls back on Styrofoam plates. I’m not at that stage in my life quite yet and I don’t hate men. At the moment, I am nothing more than picky. Can a girl really be blamed for having some discriminatory tastes?

Since Valentine’s Day is nearing and so many people are scrambling about trying to find a special someone (or anyone) with whom they can spend this commercialized, commodified holiday, I thought it would be appropriate for me to examine the trajectory that has led me to be what some call a “”man-hater.”” This history will serve as a defense and a logical explanation for why I am the way I am, and I know that I am not alone. Many, many women out there are like me. Ladies, this is for you.

Let me first say that as part of my own nature, I have reservations about dating. Period. I don’t quite understand the entire social ritual that is dating, and it only confuses me. It seems a rather risky business: single people going out and trying to present their most attractive side, physically and personality-wise. Ask any girl what she wants in a guy, and the majority will say they don’t care what a guy looks like as long as he’s smart and funny and can hold a conversation. I’m sorry to speak poorly of my own gender, but this is a bunch of bull. It does matter what a guy looks like. Sure, it helps if they’re clever and witty and have similar political leanings, but this isn’t always the case and I’ve known more than a few guys who think they can get away with a dashing smile and a hot body. But good looks can only hold two people together for so long ó in my case, the average is about three weeks.

Case in point: I dated a guy from San Diego State (no need to tell me, I’ve learned) who initially seemed sweet and considerate. The fact that I liked to read was thoroughly amazing to him. But when he thought “”spending time together”” meant going with his friends to parties and getting piss-drunk, he became rather irritating. The last straw should have come much earlier, but it came after three weeks when he got drunk and decided to beat up my friend who was half his size. After their bloody escapade, he had the consideration to ask me if I was mad at him in a low voice with big puppy eyes. Dumbass! Of course I’m mad. With a character like this, it doesn’t matter how good-looking he is. It shouldn’t matter how good-looking he is, but somehow I’ve got this feeling that he’s still out there being a beast, wooing other girls and beating up their friends.

Here’s a tip for all you guys out there: Unless a guy is attacking us, we’re not impressed if you beat him up.

Then there are the so-called “”nice guys”” that you’ve been friends with forever. Even though you know he’s a player, you end up hooking up with him anyway, a situation that can only end badly. Especially if he’s a poo-poo head who thinks he can get away with sleeping with all his girl friends and flaunting them in front of each other. All right, so this didn’t actually happen to me, but it affected a close friend of mine and even though I only know this guy superficially I’d love to give him a good kick to the crotch for being an inconsiderate prick. My friend isn’t completely innocent in this story, but the guy doesn’t have to ignore her or make her feel insignificant. Good grief, at least be civil. We’ve got feelings, too!

And we mustn’t forget the no-good rotten liars. ClichÈd as this sounds, these guys don’t just exist in movies ó there are men who are real-life cads. Another dear friend of mine met a seemingly pleasant, funny and unrepulsive guy on vacation and found out that he lived near her parents. These two started seeing each other and my friend would travel a good three hours every other week to see him. But this guy was not the nice fellow he had pretended to be. Oh, no. My beautiful friend was stood up, not once but twice (!), and then she discovered that he had a girlfriend. That dog! And it didn’t end there. Nope. He even contacted her months later (by Instant Messanger, no less) to tell her he had moved down to San Diego and to beg her forgiveness. It sounds ridiculous that this would actually happen, but it does, and it happens to nice girls all over the world every day. Sorry to sound so dramatic, but I’m standing up for my fellow women.

And those were only a few stories from only three different girls. Imagine the countless other stories from women who are dating aimlessly in the dangerous world of single (and not-so-single) men.

Of course the stories could be reversed. There are many insane and stupid girls out there who are just as cruel or thoughtless to guys. So, being the benevolent person that I am, I shall now offer a service to all you single men and women out there. Go ahead and submit your “”love resumes”” and allow me and my staff to evaluate your no-good-dog level. Find out whether you’re a jerk or a winner. And perhaps you could even get matched up with a similar person, because we all know how risky dating can be. Or you can be like me and save yourself the uncertainty and the pain and just worry about things that matter for the time being.

My plan if I never find the perfect man: I can always adopt kids from third-world countries. After all, I’m a woman of the 21st century. To quote Destiny’s Child, “”Ladies, it ain’t easy bein’ independent.””