Ladies, beware! Lovers to avoid

    As the smell of roses and candies fill the air, we have yet again found ourselves in that sappy world we call Valentine’s Day. But before you go rushing out to purchase your loved one a teddy bear or inexpensive jewelry, look at some of these “”lovers”” to be wary of on this very special day.

    1. The Jack Johnson Impersonator

    This particular “”lover”” is most often found tucked away in a dorm room with a guitar in hand and a simple dream of getting laid. Although the chords he strums are mellow and laid back, his motives are anything but innocent. Devoting three years to the guitar in an attempt to learn every mainstream pop hit in the past 40 years, the JJI plays with his dorm door wide open, playing just loud enough for unsuspecting girls to “”overhear”” their favorite cheesy pop hits and be lured into his well-crafted trap. My recommendation: enjoy the tunes, but make a bee-line for the exit when he starts to show you his collection of NOW! volumes one through eight.

    2. The A.I.M. Confessor

    With emotions running high, and sweat grazing his brow, the A.I.M. Confessor has decided that today is the day that he will have the courage to ask you out. Spending his days downloading the latest buddy icons, the A.I.M. Confessor has most likely never spoken to you before. Bordering on obsession, his secret crush has taken control of his life. After picking up your I.M. name from a school handout, he proceeds to read all of your away messages and buddy info. After convincing himself that he knows everything about you, he pours his heart out in a glorious display of cowardice. Although you may never physically see this man, make sure that you don’t piss him off, because he knows a little too much about viruses.

    3. The Stalker

    Just one tip: Stalkers all seem to breathe really heavily, so watch out for that.

    4. Bruno (le douche)

    For all you ladies looking for a man who loves the gym, Bruno is the guy for you. Although Bruno is in peak physical condition, he never seems to be working out. Instead he frantically combs the gym for attractive young ladies. He quickly lends them his “”expertise”” in physical training and is more then happy to spend hours on end showing these women the right way to work out. He manages to do all this while a skinny white male is suffocating under the bench press. Us skinny white males lovingly refer to him as le douche because let’s face it, this guy’s a total douche bag. Usually sporting a sleeveless Gold’s Gym T-shirt and a flattering pair of sweats, Bruno can be found at Main Gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2 p.m. until whenever the “”hotties”” leave.

    5. The Classic Emo Kid

    Armed with only a pen and his feelings, the Classic Emo Kid is ready at any moment to break down into a heap of emotions. With Death Cab For Cutie playing softly in the background, the Emo kid pricks his finger and spins a tale of woe and lost love with his own blood. An easy way to identify this kid is that he is always wearing black and, if you look into his eyes, you can see the pain of a child who is convinced that life is one big Dashboard Confessional song.

    Hopefully, this article has been informative and helpful for all of you ladies looking for a Valentine’s Day free of these interesting characters. It can’t emphasized enough: watch out for Bruno.

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