'Daredevil' confuses the intelligent viewer

    I want to go on the record right now to set the record straight: In general, barring any incidents involving the obvious alcohol or mass amounts of chocolate, I am a relatively intelligent human being. I may not be a rocket scientist, but I know my ass from my elbow.

    That said, I am now going off the record so that I can admit that I did not understand the plot of “”Daredevil.””

    Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that “”Daredevil”” is a movie based on a comic book. And you’re probably making the mental leap to the realization that the basic storyline of this movie is designed for even the most idiotic of 7-year-olds to understand. So by now you’ve come to the conclusion that I fall just short of an idiotic 7-year-old on the intelligence scale.

    Well fine, you happen to be correct about all of those points. But unlike all of the stupid people I know, I have an explanation to explain my mental shortcomings.

    First of all, I really didn’t want to see “”Daredevil.”” I wanted to see “”About Schmidt”” or “”Adaptation”” — something smart people see. I would have waited to see “”Daredevil”” so that I could deny seeing it by talking instead about one of those other films. But I was with a man of homosexual orientation, and Ben Affleck does wear skin-tight leather throughout most of the film. Enough said.

    So there I was, ready to enjoy this mindless action film. And I must say, it was rather good. It had basic character development, special effects, romantic interest and — lest we forget — Ben Affleck in skin-tight leather. All in all, it was a good time.

    This was what I was thinking when the film reached what I like to call “”the key moment of the film when everything finally ties together and the end of the film becomes completely obvious.”” I call it this because at this moment in the film (follow me closely here, this is a really complicated term), everything finally ties together, and the end becomes completely obvious. Still with me? Good.

    In the case of “”Daredevil,”” this moment begins when Colin Ferrell (who is still better looking than Ben Affleck, even when he’s bald) starts a big fight in the church with our hero. Suddenly, in the middle of a rather violent punch that sends Ben Affleck flying into a big bell, the movie becomes completely silent.

    Now, it is important to note here (for those of you who don’t have TVs and have never seen a commercial for this movie) that the premise of “”Daredevil”” is that the hero is blind, but all of his other senses have been heightened by radiation. Because that happens all the time. Right. Anyway, throughout the film, there are occasional scenes that give the audience an idea of what it might be like to see the world through audio waves, so that we can better connect with the experiences of a blind superhero (as if we all haven’t felt like that before).

    So my first instinct when the fight continued without sound was to assume that Colin Ferrell, using his undeniable sex appeal, was slowly damaging Daredevil’s other senses, starting with his hearing, and what we were experiencing was what a fight would be like if you were blind and deaf.

    I thought that for five minutes.

    Of course, the rest of the theater caught on to the fact that the movie itself was just fucked up about four minutes before I did. I know this because they started yelling things like, “”Put the sound back on!”” at the screen.

    Anyway, the fight continued without sound. I finally caught on to the fact that this was a technical problem, and none of it really bothered me that much. How important is the actual sound of Ben Affleck getting his ass kicked? Not very.

    But then Colin Ferrell started talking. And Ben Affleck did a little bit of talking back, but that really wasn’t as important because he is not Colin Ferrell. And then I realized that this was the moment! The moment when the bad guy is sure he has won, so he gives away every plot secret and explains every loophole! And I was missing it!

    Then, like a voice from the heavens, comes: “”I have another super power, Daredevil. One you have never seen before.””

    Cut to Ben Affleck, who is understandably scared by this news.

    Then back to Colin Ferrell: “”I butt-rape my victims.””


    The screen shows our hero again. He’s struggling to get up (and I must admit that, Colin Ferrell or no, I would be trying to run away, too). “”No, not butt-rape!””

    This is definitely not a voice from the heavens. By now, those of you who are more intelligent than I am will have realized that the actual sound never came back on, but the audience, being the resourceful bunch that they were, decided to add their own soundtrack.

    “”Yes, I will butt-rape you, just like I butt-raped … (long dramatic pause) … your father!””

    Of course, the whole audience was shocked by this plot twist. But before we could react, the official movie sound came back on just in time for me to hear Ben Affleck say, “”… my father?””

    And then, of course, he was suddenly revived and won the fight, complete with sound.

    So basically, I still don’t know what the bad guy had to do with Daredevil’s father. I’d probably say it had something to do with butt-rape. But before you label me a moron, allow me to please point out that this is my ass, this is my elbow ….

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