Finding love in all the wrong spaces

    The most romantic day of the year is approaching, at least according to Hallmark. It’s mere hours until Valentine’s Day rolls around, and this year, it’s a double whammy. It’s Date Night Valentine’s Day.

    For the solo, Friday nights can be a night of bitterness. Everyone else is out with their respective others, having their respective fun, and those alone have the options of cleaning out the “”green”” in the back of the refrigerator, dancing unaccompanied around the living room or taking in a few hours of bad WB television.

    But, for the bitter and alone, this Friday will be worse because it’s compounded by the fact that everyone else is out with their respective others engaging in romantic activities. Sure, you could wine and dine yourself, but it’s hard to get that lovey-dovey feeling snuggling in front of the fire by your lonesome.

    So the bitter and alone who want a warm body on this, the Friday night of all Friday nights, may turn to desperate measures.

    That’s right, it may be time for the personal ads.

    Personal ads are 20-word commercials for the dateless and wanting. Like all commercials, personals must be taken with a grain of salt because, after all, these people are selling themselves, and they do not have much room to reel you in.

    Reader: beware.

    On the surface, personal ads are light and innocent. Just remember there are real, single people behind these seemingly harmless ads.

    It’s a crazy world out there.

    Personal ads translated (for your romantic convenience)

    What they say: Outdoorsy

    What it means: Bathes with a hose

    What they say: Active

    What it means: Slutty

    What they say: Intelligent

    What it means: Watches “”The Learning Channel”” a lot

    What they say: Funny

    What it means: Not funny

    What they say: Career-oriented

    What it means: Jerk

    What they say: Likes to Travel

    What it means: Evicted often

    What they say: Healthy

    What it means: Expects you to look like a super model

    What they say: Entrepreneur

    What it means: You buy dinner

    What they say: Patient

    What it means: Medicated

    What they say: Friendly

    What it means: Will like your cat a little too much

    What they say: Honest

    What it means: Nervous

    What they say: Casual

    What it means: Doesn’t own socks

    What they say: Mature

    What it means: Dentures

    What they say: Loves books

    What it means: Television is broken

    What they say: Curious

    What it means: Digs through neighbor’s garbage

    What they say: Bubbly

    What it means: Annoying

    What they say: Loves dogs

    What it means: Kills cats

    What they say: Quiet

    What it means: Disturbed

    What they say: Sporty

    What it means: Lives in Sweats

    What they say: Financially secure

    What it means: Mom pays rent

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