There is a conspiracy at UCSD. This conspiracy quietly extends to every single student and oppresses UCSD students and deprives them of something students everywhere should have.

What are UCSD students lacking? What opportunity are they denied at this place they pay thousands of dollars to attend?

There are actually numerous answers to these questions, but they can all be boiled down to three letters: F-U-N.

That’s right, the administration of UCSD is consciously preventing the students who attend this school and pay to keep it running from experiencing one of college’s inalienable rights: to have a good time.

Think about it. What is there to do on this campus on a Friday or Saturday night? Absolutely nothing. Oh wait, what about frat parties? Sorry, there aren’t any frat houses on or within walking distance of campus. And to all the freshmen who might not be able to bring cars next year, I guess the only way you guys will be able to get to a frat party is to join one.

Now, why would the administration ban frat houses on campus?

I think it is due to the extremely conservative community in which the campus is immersed. La Jolla doesn’t exactly scream, “”Welcome, college students!”” In fact, as college towns go, I would rate La Jolla as VERY far down the list.

So La Jolla doesn’t like us — fine. We think Pacific Beach and the city of San Diego are a lot more interesting, anyway.

However, the same could not be said of our administration.

I believe a large part of our administration’s policy panders to the community surrounding our school’s campus rather than the student community, where it should be.

For example, the proposed beer garden at the UCSD/UC Davis basketball game. I personally think it was an awesome idea by the athletics department, although it could have used better advertising since I didn’t even hear about it until it was canceled by Vice Chancellor Joseph Watson. Supposedly, his reasoning behind the decision was that UCSD needs to reevaluate its alcohol policy. Bullshit.

What alcohol policy? Our campus already has an extremely intolerant attitude regarding alcohol, much more so than other UC schools such as UCLA or Berkeley. Why? Well, let’s just say La Jolla and Berkeley resemble each other just about as much as I resemble Anna Kournikova.

For another example, take a look at the “”Message to the Campus Community”” Watson recently sent out. The very first line of it speaks not to UCSD, but to “”the San Diego community.”” One can also speculate about the reason behind the message. Why do students need to be told that they are condemning THE KOALA? Why is Watson condemning THE KOALA after they made fun of Danielle Van Dam, yet he remained silent when THE KOALA distastefully made fun of African-Americans, Jews, Asians and homosexuals, not to mention specific individuals?

I’ll tell you why: Watson is aware of the attention the Van Dam incident has received in the San Diego community and is trying to disassociate UCSD from THE KOALA’s portrayal of the incident.

So what does this have to do with athletics? What is pretty much the only other option to do on campus Friday and Saturday nights? Why, watch a basketball, volleyball, soccer, water polo or lacrosse game. Get rowdy, grab a bunch of friends and scream insults at the opposing players until your throat is raw.

But no, the UCSD administration limits that as well. God forbid they actually pony up money to support athletics, which, incidentally, would benefit the San Diego community they are so worried about pleasing. No, instead students have to bail out athletics with an athletic fee referendum. Why? Why should students have to support athletics with money that should be coming from the administration and outside community?

Because the community doesn’t care and therefore, neither does the UCSD administration. There are two other Division I schools right next to us, which receive the majority of the attention from the San Diego sports community. Well, they are better than we are, right? So maybe they deserve it.

Yet so far this year, we have beaten them in women’s basketball, swimming and water polo.

This lack of support has been no fault of the UCSD athletes. In UCSD’s short time in Division II, it has already produced two National Championships and one third-place national finish. UCSD finished in the top 10 out of hundreds of schools in last year’s Sear’s Cup competition for best athletic program, and this year it is currently in fourth place. There is no excuse that our athletics are less marketable or less productive than SDSU or USD’s athletics.

So, what is the difference between our athletic program and theirs? They have money — we don’t. If our athletics program had the type of money UC Davis has, there’s no limit to what we could do. We could have a football team; we could get top recruits; we could even offer scholarships. From there, we could move to Division I and gain television and radio contracts, which — since I know it’s all the administration cares about — would net UCSD a lot of money.

Worried about a decrease in our academic reputation if we begin to offer scholarships? Oh yeah, and I’m sure Stanford, UCLA and Berkeley are kicking themselves for the loss of academic quality that resulted from their huge sports programs.

The fact is, if our own administration is unwilling to support our athletic program, our community and the students won’t support it either. This will result in a lot of empty seats, as well as empty playing fields. And as most students have discovered here at UCSD, those are just absolutely no fun.