Tuesday, March 27

3:24 a.m.: A 22-year-old male student was arrested for sodomy outside the Student Center. Damage: Matt Damon’s anal virginity.

8:01 a.m.: A 55-year-old male chancellor was detained by campus police for being intoxicated in public. Transported to detox. Rejected from detox, then taken to county jail. Expired green card revoked and subject deported to Canada.

2:31 p.m.: Campus police impounded your mom’s ass for parking without a service yard permit while carrying a gross unladen weight of four tons. Stored at Star Towing.

3:41 p.m.: A staff member reported the theft of Eleanor Roosevelt College. No monetary loss.

11:10 p.m.: Campus police responded to a noise complaint at an office behind the Che Cafe. Officers recoil in horror.

Wednesday, March 28

11:44 p.m.: All your base are belong to us. What you say!

3:41 p.m.: Campus police arrest a 54-year-old Critical Gender Studies professor for masterminding a child porn ring. Two computers and eight Preuss School students seized.

Thursday, March 29

8:32 p.m.: Campus police raided Koala office in Student Center. Police confiscated an altar, nine goats, and Doc Khaleghi (subject found tied up and naked).

10:22 p.m.: Units and the San Diego Fire Department responded to a fire at CLICS ignited by the nude table dancing of 20-year-old and 21-year-old female Groovejets. Hot damn.

Friday, March 30

2:15 p.m.: Officers responding to a noise complaint found an 18-year-old male student and an 18-year-old female nonaffiliate copulating in the showers at Tioga Hall. Cited for “”getting some”” at this school and released.

9:49 p.m.: Officers detained three Guardian staff members for promoting a rave in the Guardian offices (Paul Oakenfold spun, BTW). Cited for drug violations and released.

Saturday, March 31

1:13 p.m.: Officers arrested three Muir students for disposing of toxic waste. Muir Quarterlies confiscated and transported to nuclear disposal site in Tijuana. Students dragged out and shot.