How-To Guru: Navigate Campus

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Library Walk can be a dangerous place. From the never-ending tornado of individual quarter-page sized flyers pummeling students to last week’s evident demonstration on the extent of free speech, braving the campus’ main path isn’t always a walk in the park.

Luckily, there are a few fail-proof tips to help you make it to class without major trouble. As some have suggested in support of the existence of last week’s display, simply don’t go on Library Walk. Being able to make your way to class without seeing upsetting images — and being told that having an abortion leads to the same result as the Holocaust — is evidently a privilege now. Thus, rather than using Library Walk for your commute to classes, head west and travel along North Torrey Pines Road, then cut right when necessary. Another alternative is to explore the surrounding beauty of San Diego by heading further west and walking along the beach. We’re the number one beach university, after all.

If you do stay on ground, grab a prop. Textbooks work for covering eyes, as do a great pair of binoculars for pretend birdwatch. Just make sure to look about 90 degrees up, as the display is pretty high.

But don’t feel limited to the ground. Like most corporations, Uber is generous, and it recently began extending its services to include helicopter rides. At an average of $219 per ride, your ride to class comes out to be just barely cheaper than the price of one textbook, for which you can probably find the PDF online if you work diligently and illegally enough.

From 8,000 feet in the sky, you may be just far away enough to miss the computer-graphic photos depicting baby fetuses, bludgeoned unborn children and anything else — and we mean anything — that the university approves to take the form of 15-feet-tall posters. It’s not like it can prevent that from happening, anyway, or that it has to approve it in the first place and make a conscious decision to allow a display of incredible powers on campus’ main walkway.

Finally, if you feel the demonstration that happened last week should not happen here, there’s an often-overlooked text that serves as a universal problem solver, is used responsibly without fail and would certainly fix everything if applied here. Put into effect on Dec. 15, 1791, the First Amendment provides freedom of religious expression, freedom of the press and freedom of the speech.

There you have it folks: Anyone can say anything, wherever they want — and this includes plastering disruptive images on public walkways for the sake of restricting women’s rights to decisions involving their own bodies — and the university is obviously under legal obligation to approve all demonstrations of any content, or else President Obama will come to UCSD and fire everyone for failing to honor the Constitution, Bill of Rights and, well, America.

Safe travels, Tritons, and plan to leave earlier for class, take longer routes, avert your eyes and change your lifestyle — it’s for a good cause, right?