How-To Guru: Spread the Flu

It’s the middle of flu season, and you’ve been living your life on the wild side. You biked through that sneeze cloud like it was nobody’s business, you hugged that friend right after they coughed and took an ill-advised bite out of someone else’s burrito.

Your invincibility, my friend, has run out. Rise and shine, cupcake, you’ve got mucus lining your throat, a sinus that’s knocking on your brain like Sheldon Cooper and a fever. You now join the ranks of the infected, and much to your chagrin, the rigor of college life continues unabated.

Fear not, small grasshopper. This guide is here to help keep your spirits up and your bodily fluids inside, as you court death and midterms.

Not all is lost, though. For one, the tools you need to get better are available at your convenience. From anywhere on campus, overpriced medicine is just a five-minute walk away. Soup’s served year-round, and by the taste of it, they switch it out every other quarter or so. Hydration stations are available everywhere, supplying you with bacterially-infected algae water.

Be generous with your cough syrup, take a shot like you’re a freshman at your first frat party, wait half an hour for it to really hit you and start giggling at your toes. If you’re getting lonely, it might be a good idea to parade around Library Walk holding a Free Hugs sign so that you can absorb the healing affection of other students, while they foolishly accept your sickly embrace. But someone has to ask the real questions around here, and I hate to be the negative Nancy, but exactly how much schoolwork should you do when you’re sick? The only option is to hire somebody else to complete your assignments for you.

Yesterday’s work will soon be done, thanks to your generous roommate, and your inner procrastinator is working full time to keep you from contributing any input. Your parents don’t want their precious baby doing any work at all, which suits you perfectly. Netflix is already loading the next episode. As you lie in bed you softly ponder all the ways that you deserve to be molly-coddled.

Well, being sick in college is just like any other experience: You’ve been told to have balance, but your adolescent brain is going to dive off the deep end anyway. Rest is fine and all, but you can rest when you’re 80, and the most action you can get is with your catheter. So go to that party. Try to beat your previous high score on Netflix by watching 20 hours of television in one day.

If all this audacity is giving you a guilt trip, respond to a couple of emails so that you can lull yourself into a false sense of productivity. And when you’re done, a well-deserved nap awaits. So press send with aplomb, get tripped out on cough meds and find the silver lining in your mucus. As the virus will no doubt remind you, you only live once.