The wretched puddle of a networking Web site, MySpace, has been in the news a lot lately. Get wind of this — the news reports that kids are bypassing their school’s Web filters, which block MySpace! And the popularity of MySpace — 40 million users and counting, gee golly! — shows that kids use the Internet … a lot! MySpace got many other write-ups too, but I can’t be bothered to look them up.
Or, rather, their mere existence sickens me.
Want to know why MySpace is a crappy idea?
It’s primarily because users can customize their profiles to be as ugly and unreadable as they apparently want them to be. Want a red-on-pink layout? Sure, you got it! Want your text to be 24-point Papyrus? We’re on it! Want to embed a MIDI file of Vanessa Carlton on your page? Hells fucking yeah! That won’t make profile visitors violently mash the “mute all” button on their computer at all!
There is a reason why successful Web designers only make up a select portion of the population. Most people have the design sense of half of a dead swan (or, on a good day, a half-dead swan).
Secondly, MySpace is a crappy idea because it appeals to 13-year-old scenesters, attention whores, pedophile bait and generally just really annoying people who have nothing interesting to say. Call me old-fashioned, but if you are vapid, please keep it to yourself. Posting your thoughts on the Internet doesn’t make them any more interesting, valid or worth reading.
I admit, I don’t spend much time surfing MySpace profiles. The main reason is that most of my friends aren’t prepubescent scenesters from the Midwest, so I have trouble relating to the average MySpace user. And secondly, when I do poke around on MySpace, my eyes and ears tend to start bleeding simultaneously. I’d rather read Cat Fancy magazine while being hit on the head with a brick, thanks very much.
Journalists extolling the neato-factor of “the MySpace generation” obviously do not comprehend the full awfulness of the site. Sure, in theory, it’s great. Let’s give Miss Fat Texan or Mr. Lacks Social Skills a window into the world! In practice, however, it has no social value.
The best thing about the Internet is that we all had such lofty ideas about how it could be used. Hell, some of us — those who haven’t seen MySpace — might still.
Behold, the Internet! A vast repository for information and entertainment; a low-cost way for anyone to communicate with anyone else, physical location be damned; a great way to shop, to be entertained, to learn something.
Yet in practice, we get utter crap like MySpace, which lets Miss Fat Texan tell the world about her baby (no one cares), Miss Scenester tell the world about her new haircut (it’s ugly, plus no one cares) or Mr. Lacks Social Skills try to add people as friends (no one wants to, you’re creepy, plus no one cares). It is Web sites like MySpace that make any reasonable person lose faith in humanity and realize that for everyone who’s not a nerd or an intellectual, the Internet is like a bunch of austistic monkeys playing in a sandbox.
It’s a testament to our dogged idealism that some of us still maintain that the Internet is, at its core, a source of good. Let’s face reality, guys. It is now that I debunk the Internet’s greatest myths while ignoring instant messages from people I don’t want to talk to.
Myth: The Internet is the ultimate research tool, and a vast repository for all of humanity’s knowledge.
Reality: The Internet is a vast repository of hardcore pornography.
Myth: The Internet can connect humanity through chat rooms, specialized Web sites and forums and networking sites.
Reality: The Internet is a favorite method of pedophiles to stalk children.
Myth: The Internet can help people explore their interests by finding like-minded communities of chess lovers, opera nuts, champion knitters or whatever their passions are, no matter how obscure.
Reality: The Internet can help me get a free couch if I play my cards right on Craigslist.
Myth: The Internet is a great educational tool; every student should have Internet access.
Reality: The Internet is the reason your 9-year-old cousin is in trouble with the police.
Myth: E-mail and instant messaging are great ways to communicate with your friends and loved ones all around the world.
Reality: E-mail and instant messaging are great ways to put off studying, hit on your suitemate without moving from your chair and send your friends links to a video of two pit bulls humping.
Myth: The Internet democratizes information and gives everyone a soapbox. Anyone can have a blog, MySpace profile or full-blown Web site, and that’s great.
Reality: The average person is ill-informed, practically illiterate and thinks a blinking background for their blog is the coolest thing ever (it is not). There is a reason why your thoughts don’t make it onto the evening news or the New York Times.
Myth: The entire city of San Francisco is going to offer free Wi-Fi to anyone with a computer, and that’s rad.
Reality: Yeah, it is pretty rad. You’ve got us there.
Myth: The Internet lets people see what’s really happening in Darfur, Iraq or any other part of the world.
Reality: Not when you’re furiously whacking it to oodles and oodles of Internet porn.
Myth: The Internet is a way to show my talents in poetry, art or Harry Potter homoerotic fan-fiction to the world!
Reality: Your shit sucks. Otherwise you would’ve found a publisher for your work.
Myth: The Internet can connect you with long-lost uncles, classmates and friends.
Reality: The Internet can connect you with lots of funny pictures of ugly people, some of whom you might know in real life.
