Sorry, but I’m going to bypass the hole in the ozone layer,
the Iraq War and the humanitarian crisis in Darfur and get straight to the
meat: your mouth.

You may be asking why I’m choosing to explore such an
overlooked part of everyday life. But language is so much more important than
we realize, because it not only conveys what we think, but also offers
listeners a chance to find out a little about who we are.

For example, if you’re one of those people who enjoy saying
“irregardless” or “supposively,” you’re an idiot. If you say “amongst,” you’re
stuck in the 1650s. If you pepper your speech with words like “impuissance,”
“abstemious” or “sesquipedalian,” you’re a pompous asshole. If you like to joke
around with sexual words, you’re probably not funny. And if you hand over your
card to the bartender and say “Keep it open,” you’re my best friend.

Language is constantly evolving, and for good reason. As
social creatures, we need to be able to communicate effectively. If you’re not
in on the latest lingo, you might find yourself unable to participate in common
conversational topics. That’s why it’s so vital to understand the words around
you, and, when necessary, invent your own words or phrases to accurately
describe your personal life experiences.

Take, for example, the Q-gasm. It was invented to convey
that ultra-gratifying feeling of clean satisfaction you get when you swab your
ear canal and finally pull out the wax chunk that has been impeding your
hearing for the last hour.

To describe such a golden feeling in one word, you have to
be savvy. I mean, you could simply say that it feels good to dislodge a
stubborn wad of earwax, but Q-gasm is so much better. So next time you and your
friends are discussing oto-hygiene, feel free to bust out the term. You won’t
be sorry.

But it doesn’t stop there. There are many more words and
phrases that everyone should know and use in order to maximize their vocabulary
and overall conversational skills.

The next time you see a flat ass walk by, call it a
badinkadink. Or if the ass is big, yet ugly, it’s a badonkadon’t.

Ever wondered about all those big-sunglasses-wearing girls
on Library Walk who advertise Greek letters on their badinkadinks and
badonkadon’ts? They’re called sorostitutes.

And for those of you keen on homophones, the fun just keeps
on coming. If you’ve ever called your friend dawg, homie, brohound or, god
forbid, BFF — just stop. Not only do my ears bleed, you’re way behind the
times.

There’s a new breed of word for you to use. And
pronunciation-wise, it’s interchangeable with a different word that means ugly.
(All you need to do is add an apostrophe for good measure. It’s as simple as
that.)

That word is mofug, and it’s based on a modification of
everyone’s favorite expletive. Used in an example sentence, the word means
“friend”: Hey mofug, what’s going on?

But the fun begins when you strategically insert that
aforementioned apostrophe between the O and the F to get mo’fug. Then, the word
means “more fugly.” Again, used in an example sentence: Damn, she’s mo’fug than
a fruit bat. (If you don’t think that’s funny, check out what a fruit bat
actually looks like and then reassess your opinion. If you still don’t think
it’s funny, die.)

Finally, I have to say that people need to stop acting so
self-righteous and get over the constant taboo associated with certain words.
For example, the words “nigga,” “retarded” and “gay” are for some reason considered
globally offensive in all situations. But definitions are constantly evolving,
and these words should only be labeled insulting when critically examined in
conjunction with the conversation’s context and tone.

Don’t get me wrong. True, legitimate hate speech is
disgusting, disturbing and hurtful, but there are those occasional situations
that are literally so stupid that they can only be described as “gay.” And
where’s the harm in greeting your close friend as your “nigga”?

A word’s meaning is much more than what “Webster’s New World
Dictionary” lists; it’s about how you use it, when you use it and what your
true intentions are.

However, as with any term, don’t overuse these words or
you’ll come off as a boring, uncreative idiot — save them for when they’re
truly necessary to capture the essence of the moment you’re describing.

Language is an amazing tool. It lets us describe anything
and everything, and if there’s a term we can’t think of, we can invent
something else in its place.

And believe it or not, new language happens in front of our
eyes every day. In fact, it was just two years ago that Merriam-Webster adopted
spyware, biodiesel, manga and unibrow. And this year saw the addition of crunk,
microgreen, ginormous, smackdown, sudoku and telenovela.

That’s the beauty of language: fluidity. It’s interesting,
it’s funny, it’s provocative, it’s exciting and it’s infinite.

So use it to your advantage, niggaz.