You’ve heard it said that there’s no such thing as a stupid question. I’m here to tell you that whoever told you that was probably a stupid-question-asker himself and was just seeking to save himself from ridicule. In fact, there are a lot of stupid questions you could ask, but perhaps for the die-hard sports fan, there are none more infuriating than the kind that are asked during the fourth quarter of a big game. With the NFL playoffs in full swing and the Super Bowl just a couple of weeks down the line, here are some questions to avoid asking during the big game for the non-football fan who is interested in preserving a harmonious relationship or friendship.
10. “”Why do they call it football? Don’t they usually use their hands?”” Yes, they usually use their hands, but if you want to debate the name of something, tell me why tests during the last week of the quarter are called “”midterms”” and then we’ll work on football.
9. “”Who’s the guy in the striped shirt and why does he keep throwing trash on the field?”” The gentlemen with the striped shirts are the officials, and it’s not trash, it’s a penalty flag!
8. “”How long until the halftime show comes on?”” I’m not a huge fan of the Socratic method, but if you are, I’d encourage the following response: “”Do you think maybe people watch this game for something other than the halftime show and the commercials?”” However, depending on your audience, you may get a blank stare in response to that question.
7. “”Wait, aren’t they going the wrong way? They were going the other way last time!”” If explaining switching sides at the end of each quarter seems a bit daunting, you could always just say that they moved the camera to the other side of the field.
6. “”Why do they keep slapping each other’s butts?”” Some questions are better left unanswered.
5. “”How come it’s a penalty for just barely moving? What if he had to sneeze or something?”” Unfortunately, the sneezing exception ‹ Rule 34d, Section 2 ‹ was phased out in 1973 due to malicious “”fake sneezers.””
4. “”How many points do they get for a home run?”” A home run is baseball. A touchdown is football. Not too tough, but if all else fails, just cheer when the people around you do.
3. “”Are you listening to me?”” If the game is on, and your friend is into it, assume “”no”” is the answer to this question. Important plans are best discussed at a later time.
2. “”What’s the score?””
“”It’s 7-7.””
“”So who’s winning?”” Shockingly, when the teams have the same number of points, it’s called a tie. By definition, a tie means no one is winning.
1. “”Is there something else on?”” No.
