DisreGuardian: Let’s Eat: The Coveted UC San Diego Dining Experience

Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.
DisreGuardian: Let’s Eat: The Coveted UC San Diego Dining Experience
Photo by Hazel Leung/ UCSD Guardian

As I am sure everyone has already heard, UC San Diego has become one of the few, respected establishments to be granted three Michelin Stars for its culinary excellence. In fact, I am pretty sure UCSD is the only university with such accomplishment, which is not surprising in the slightest. For those unfamiliar with the Michelin Guide, the Michelin Tyre Company grants top-performing restaurants up to three Michelin stars in order to highlight the prestige of a restaurants’ culinary experience. UCSD’s 14 dining establishments bring culinary magic to the students through well-crafted, heftily-portioned meals, not without mention of the luxurious digital ordering service we’ve all grown to know and love as Mobile Order. In order to fully absorb UCSD’s diverse and critically acclaimed eating experience, I decided to hike across campus to review some of the top dineries. 

Roger Revelle knew what he was doing when he so selflessly named the first college after himself, and for good reason. Revelle’s dining hall may be known to the public as “64 Degrees,” but it’s a 100/100 in my heart. When you enter this coveted building, you are instantly transported to a mall-food-court-meets-newly-renovated-county-library-esque escapade. The bustling atmosphere is reminiscent of an airport terminal, which instantly reminds me of UCSD’s humble study body of 33,000 undergraduates. From pasta to tacos to burgers, 64 Degrees has got it all. During the dinner rush, I was truly blessed to take up an entire large booth for myself. I was sure to hurry to Wok, as they take a more innovative approach to the classic Chinese cuisine. Why waste time cooking rice when you can just eat it raw? It’s pure genius! Further, 64’s newest sushi addition UMI fits in as seamlessly to the dining experience as a humanities student does at this school. If you’re looking for an easy way to burn those dining dollars, look no further, folks. However, unlike the Bistro, a town away in Seventh College, you’ll have to mobile order your food three business days in advance — instead of two — to satisfy that seafood craving. What college student isn’t a fan of waiting, granted they already have the pleasure of doing so in every other endeavor?

It would be a crime to not speak on the glorious dining experience that is Pines in Muir College. Before I even step through the doors, I already find myself entering a cozy ski lodge in the mountains. However, instead of witnessing a ski collision on the slopes, I get to witness an electric scooter pile-up in front of the entrance. Upon walking inside, I notice that the ski lodge atmosphere spares no expense, from the wood-decked walls to the warm overhead lights. You may even be honored to witness the “ski patrol” in Pines, which comes in the form of employees hunting down students with soda in their water cups. These feelings of danger and excitement make the Pines dining experience an adventure, and I’m all here for it. Pines has an irresistible charm that transports me as far away from San Diego as possible. The amusement park quality food at Triton Grill allows me to escape from the fact that I’m attending college in the most expensive city in the United States. Also, if you’re lucky, you may be subject to some free, mid-dining entertainment. I was fortunate enough to enjoy my meal in the company of Subway Surfers screen-shared onto the TVs, courtesy of one resourceful student. And if it hasn’t been said before, major kudos to the employees on aux at Pines. There’s truly no other place I’d rather listen to “Agora Hills” by Doja Cat while diving into my chicken tenders and curly fries.  

My cross-campus expedition would not be complete without a venture into the valley. Severely dehydrated and famished from my painstaking journey, I find myself in heaven on Earth: Canyon Vista Marketplace. This quaint, tucked-away gem is kept under the radar, and for good reason. Keep this one gatekept, folks! The ominous nature of Canyon Vista is exactly what makes it enticing. If Canyon Vista was a zodiac sign, it would be a Scorpio, because it is so mysterious and misunderstood. It’s edgy, it’s different, it’s not like other dining halls. No matter how hard I resist the urge to walk 30 minutes across campus to Canyon Vista, I cannot stop thinking about it. Nothing quite beats waiting an hour and a half for a Canyon Vista quesadilla. To be honest, I didn’t even care that the chicken was raw. Just existing in the presence of such a coveted dining establishment gave me butterflies. I now understand why this is one of UCSD’s most prized possessions and one of the many highly-visited landmarks on campus, besides Geisel Library and Fallen Star. If you’re looking for a tried-and-true method to absolutely change your life for the better, do yourself a favor and make the pilgrimage to Earl Warren College.  

You’ve heard it, and now, you’ve seen it: UCSD has more to it than just crowded lecture halls, thousands of uncoordinated students on electric scooters, and constant hecklers on Library Walk. If this has not convinced you to whip open Mobile Order and order $50 worth of dining hall food you’ll probably wait over an hour for, then something must be wrong. Spoiler alert: it’s not something on my end. As always, live, laugh, love, “working on it.”

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About the Contributor
Ava DeLuca
Ava DeLuca, Staff Writer
First year ICAM major who’s sometimes funny and always dresses inappropriately for the weather
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