Everything I Know As a Soon-To-Be Senior in College

Everything I Know As a Soon-To-Be Senior in College

Leah Schiffer, Senior Staff Writer

Senior year of college is notorious for being a stressful realization of your entrance into the “real” world — all of the good stuff they talk about in movies. It’s a door into the unknown; an impending doom ready and waiting for you to step through into its horrifyingly exhilarating limelight. Now before the panic sets in, let me alleviate this doom and gloom to remind you that it is also a time to reminisce: to take a step back to reflect on the past three years of your adulthood, and to appreciate all that you’ve learned. 

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. With my third year coming to an end, I am still months away from this dreaded realm. In the meantime, while I still have a clear head, bright eyes, and a bushy tail, this is the perfect moment to ruminate on my university education thus far. They say that college can provide the best years of your life, bringing about self-discovery, growth, and mental development. But, is all of this really true? I’ve been so caught up in boosting my GPA and balancing a social life that I’ve failed to properly sit down and think about the valuable information I’ve retained. The cycle of studying, exam-taking, forgetting — rinsing, washing, and repeating — inevitably must cease for a brief occasion of introspection. 

So, to commemorate my entrance into my senior year, I thought I would do just that and consider exactly how useful my highly acclaimed university degree really will be. Without further ado, I will now provide a concise account of everything I have come to understand and question about the world, all acquired from my very real and very expensive university education at one of the nation’s top public institutions. 

Some quick disclaimers before I begin: this is based solely on my own artillery of knowledge. I speak for myself, not the majority, and the following information is entirely factual … to an extent. 

Important fact #1: Banks are run by mice. I can’t prove it, but it’s true. Bank tellers are human fronts for the whole operation so people don’t suspect a thing. Money goes in, money goes out, but the backroom is scattered with high-performing rodents, all scurrying about with small handfuls of cash. This is the reason the economy is in shambles. 

Important fact #2: I am still not certain that Alaska isn’t an island. Why else would cartographers separate it on maps of the U.S.? The only logical conclusion is that it must be surrounded by water. That’s why so many Alaskans have boats. 

Important fact #3: E.T. was based on a true story. The United States made contact with aliens on July 18, 1984. Trust me, I watched an hour-long YouTube video about it. 

Important fact #4: Climate change is a myth. 

I’m just kidding … it is very real and dire. But see how defensive it made you? That is a good sign for the future. 

Important fact #5: Monkeys know more than they are letting on. I know you’ve seen the videos of apes reacting to magic tricks or putting on a man’s coat with ease. No further developments necessary. 

Important fact #6: William Shakespeare has the same birthday as John Cena. Coincidence? I think not. 

Important fact #7: A lot of the world’s problems could be solved if people began eating insects. Think about it. There are quintillions of insects out there. That’s about a billion bugs per human — a lifetime of tasty meals. We’re just not putting these resources to good use. 

Important fact #8: When in doubt; use a semicolon.

Although the jury is still out on whether college is truly worth the time and expense, one thing is certain: three years of higher education classes have surely exercised my mind, letting me run free with all that I’ve learned. I am now the Renaissance woman that Revelle College has torturously taught me to be, capable of taking creative liberties as I see fit. If you too are approaching your senior year, just remember that the “real” world is serious enough, so take things with a grain of salt and don’t forget to laugh.  

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