DisreGuardian: Aaron Rodgers Spurns Jets, Signs Deal With XFL’s Brahmas


Kurt Johnston, Senior Sports Writer

Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Sports will resume publishing normal content next week.


Just weeks after announcing his intention to join the New York Jets, Aaron Rodgers has put an end to his free agency by signing with the San Antonio Brahmas of the XFL. In a stunning move, the four-time MVP heads to San Antonio after completing a week-long “darkness and ayahuasca” retreat in the Mojave Desert. 


It is rumored that Rodgers’ move was inspired by a vision of a golden bull resembling the Brahmas’ logo in the clouds that he saw after the retreat. Fans and journalists alike have attributed this vision to Rodgers’ use of ayahuasca, a plant-based psychedelic drink with historical roots in South American ceremonial and shamanic rituals. However, Rodgers doubled down on these rumors; the 2021 MVP claimed ayahuasca was a massive contributor to his excellent performances on the field, second only to his lack of a COVID vaccine.


Speaking to renowned journalists at the Pat McAfee Show on Tuesday, Rodgers offered several justifications for the strange signing. Despite interest from the Packers to re-sign the star quarterback, Rodgers claimed that his time at the retreat reminded him too much of Green Bay. 


“I slept in that ice-cold, pitch-black void for too long, so the darkness sanctuary was wonderful in comparison” he said.  “Wisconsin in the winter is a state-wide darkness retreat anyways, without the free psychedelics.” 


The Packers will look to replace Rodgers with 2020 draftee Jordan Love, who, when notified of the report, asked, “What is a Brahma?”


The New York Jets were considered the favorite to land Rodgers throughout the offseason, with owner Woody Johnson allegedly visiting and partaking in the ayahuasca retreat. However, Rodgers’ decision simply came down to the history of the two franchises. The quarterback told McAfee that “one of these teams has never accomplished anything, play de facto minor league football, and wear some of the ugliest uniforms in the league … the other is the Brahmas, so it was an easy decision.” 


Rodgers further claimed that a move to New York would betray fellow “revolutionary, free spirit” Kyrie Irving, who was recently traded from the Brooklyn Nets to the Dallas Mavericks. Rodgers says he hopes to bond with Irving in Texas over their shared passion for conspiracy theories. 


Rodgers also expressed his excitement to play in San Antonio, “the city closest to ayahuasca’s ancestral home in the Amazon and its adopted home in Austin.” Austin is home to several ayahuasca retreats, many of which have been on Rodgers’ psychedelic bucket list. He told McAfee that these retreats would “be a full-time job until camp,” leading some journalists to speculate that the quarterback was unaware that the XFL is currently in season. In response, Rodgers told media members that he’s “doing everything in [his] power to bring a Super Bowl to San Antonio.” 


Finally, the star quarterback said he was called to San Antonio with hopes of getting front-row seats to watch Victor Wembanyama, the 7’2” Frenchman expected to be picked first overall in the NBA Draft. The San Antonio Spurs currently have the best odds to land the first pick, tied with the Detroit Pistons and Houston Rockets. Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich has not responded to The UCSD Guardian’s request for comment.


Rodgers’ deal is yet to be physically signed as his contract is contingent on the signings of his former Packers teammates Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson, and David Bakhtiari. Rodgers also stated that tight end Mercedes Lewis, linebacker Clay Matthews III, and fullback John Kuhn were on his “wish list” of future Brahmas, despite each of these players being 36 and older. After being given so much control over roster decisions, fans have drawn comparisons between Rodgers and Lebron James (AKA “LeGM”), with San Antonio fans christening the quarterback “Autocrat Aaron.” 


In their inaugural season, the Brahmas are currently in third place in the XFL’s Southern Division, one game out of playoff contention. XFL experts predict that the addition of Rodgers will put the Brahmas in pole position in the South, but the team will likely still fall to a league favorite: the DC Defenders. The Seattle SeaDragons, led by Ben DiNucci and Josh Gordon, also provide a lot of upset potential for the Brahmas’ top-heavy roster. 


It is yet to be seen if the rest of the XFL will respond to Rodgers’ signing. On a podcast, recently retired quarterback Tom Brady mentioned his desire to “win Gisele back” and that he may be interested in following Rodgers to the XFL. Former Bears QB Jay Cutler echoed this statement, claiming he wanted to be “closer to [his] father” Aaron Rodgers. Follow The Guardian for new updates and its unparalleled, expert coverage of the XFL.


Image Courtesy of Jeremy Kenady of Flickr