DisreGuardian: Middle-Aged Man Leaves 20-Year Relationship for Younger, Hotter Franchise

Photo Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

After 20 successful years in a loving relationship with the New England Patriots, quarterback Tom Brady kissed his wife (and son) goodbye, heading off to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for, in his words, “a team that’ll let me do whatever I damn well please.” 

Brady spoke glowingly of his new organization: “They do stuff for me that the Patriots never would — I can stay up until 10 o’clock on a weekday; they’ve promised to delete their texts after they deflate my footballs, and I don’t have to worry about Coach Belichick slashing my tires whenever we lose.”

Like many wealthy retirees, Brady headed to Florida in the hopes of reviving something that had in fact been irretrievably lost years ago — but his arrival is still heralded by the eager Tampa Bay fans, who call it the biggest catch for the area since the Church of Scientology settled in Clearwater.

The decision was baffling to many, who could not understand why Brady would choose Tampa, of all places, to end his career. Head coach Bruce Arians told reporters, “You know, we’ve actually won a Super Bowl more recently than the Cowboys or the 49ers,” a statement that Politifact rated “technically true, but kind of pathetic that he’d bring it up.” 

The Buccaneers had long been unsatisfied with their prior quarterback, Jameis Winston, who led both the NFL and the local Publix seafood section in interceptions. In a twist indicative of his tenure, Winston’s first and last passes as a Buccaneer were both interceptions returned for touchdowns; in fact, it’s possible that Brady’s pick-six against the Titans that eliminated the Patriots from the playoffs was an homage to Winston, foreshadowing his eventual free-agency decision.

But Brady was ultimately lured by the notion of retiring in Florida. “This place came highly recommended by [Patriots owner] Robert Kraft, who comes down here all the time,” Brady said. “Rob Gronkowski also tells me that he’s having a lot of fun in Florida, and I’m excited to do ‘fun’ for the first time in decades — I used to love it when I was a boy.”

As of press time, Brady was getting acquainted with his new teammates in Tampa Bay, who nervously wondered who would inform Brady that they were probably going to go 8–8.

Editor’s Note: The DisreGuardian is satirical and is published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Sports will resume publishing normal content next week.