Stig Terrebonne: Letter to the Editor

“I can’t hear you, it’s too dark in here!” – Patrick Star. I am recently suspecting our elected ringleader is playing us with the same empty-headed confidence and ignorance that Patrick Star uses constantly in Spongebob.  In fact, I believe our beloved dignitary is the direct manifestation of Patrick Star, and should be labeled as so.

Despite this awkward dilemma, I sense an impulse in our country, where the stout and multifarious pedigree of America won’t take this dismissive behavior from our squishy pink leader.  On top of all of this lying nonsense and unmitigated foolery that I see with our country’s Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick, I feel a complete humiliation among the world.  The world watches in weep as we proceed to shred everything positive for the humans that undeniably construct our makeup and multilevel support system.

Besides, only having Christian white people in our country is boring and spawns a dismal echo chamber of future habsburgs.  No one can just sit and watch as the monocultural corn variety all die off in just one growing season.

When our technology, primitive human freedoms, and just simply character, are sacrificed because this one cartoon character who lives under a rock wants to use his repugnant name as our country’s logo, it is time to fight back.  Get on your phone, get on your pineapple, let’s paint his pink skin rainbow and fix the unproportional mouth that occupies his body.  It is our destiny to solve what problems have been created, and our time to find something truly important to define just what our generation is made of.  Our presidential election is void, and should be dealt with as so.  The Russian intervention, the electoral college, the damned misfortune of our current election system.  Let us decree a new epoch and turn this whole deal upside down.  If Patrick Star is our country’s burden, we will be the Spongebob renaissance.