How-To Guru: Hold Your Lady Liquor

Image courtesy of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention
Image courtesy of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention

After the Center for Disease Control recently released a new infographic saying that pregnant women shouldn’t drink, it added a bonus section for non-pregnant women. The infographic has been kind enough to inform women that drinking can cause heart disease, cancer, violence, STDs and pregnancy (don’t worry, men, you’re still safe). Apparently, having more than eight drinks a week puts women at risk for any of those, so here’s your guide on how to drink as a woman, from the How-To Guru.

As for any men reading this column, drop this newspaper and step away. This is for women. Can’t you read? Don’t touch anything with your filthy, womanizing hands. It goes without saying that as soon as men consume one drop of alcohol they have zero inhibitions whatsoever. In fact, dealing with men is a waste of time. They’re a bunch of animals, who only want one thing from a lady.

With that in mind, the ultimate key for the happiness of any woman is marriage and a house full of healthy babies. So at the end of the day, it’s best to not ever drink in this lifetime. That’s why I’d like to present women with some handy-dandy tips for shielding their wombs from the devilish influences of alcohol and men.

First off, only drink with a bodyguard present at all times. I know, I know, having to go out drinking with a bodyguard holding your hand can be a real drag, but this is for your safety. Don’t take other girls, of course, since they’re just as susceptible to that eight-drink limit as you are. No, what you need is a man. That way, he can drain any drinks over that eight-a-week limit, and the best part is that he won’t get impregnated by them. In fact, you should probably ask him to drink for you, knowing that alcohol could destroy your delicate body and the flowery pureness of your virginity.

This bodyguard shouldn’t be just any man. He should be a professional bodyguard with a certified black belt in Aikido and an FBI background check verifying his credentials. Secondly, if you happen to get laid at any point in your life, always use protection. In fact, it’s best to use two or three condoms at once in order to prevent any of those pesky alcohol-related pregnancies and STDs.

As the CDC thoughtfully reminds us, sexually active women should not drink any alcohol whatsoever. So if you decide to hit it off with anyone, take your shots of vodka and drop it like it’s hot — otherwise known as throwing it on the floor, or down someone else’s throat. Whenever you find yourself with a drink in your weak, womanly hands, simply bat your eyes at a potential suitor and gently ask him, “Will you assist me in drinking this shot, my good sir?” That will solve the problem instantly, and men will soon wield fistfuls of wedding rings and profess their undying love for you.