How-To Guru: Surviving El Nino

This is it folks. This year’s Monster El Niño has finally hit! The incessant ringing of flash flood and tornado warnings on everyone’s phones are causing panic and chaos all over Southern California. Branches are falling, bugs are drowning, fire alarms are ringing and umbrellas are being torn to shreds. San Diegans are wondering why they never invested in a good pair of rain boots. People going out to buy their first umbrella in years are wondering why this never occurred to them before. UCSD students are shaking their fists at professors who refuse to cancel class even as inches of water cascades down the lecture hall stairs. As you cower under your comforters this week debating whether or not going to class will kill you, here are some tips on how to survive this year’s onslaught of water from above.

Tip One: Don’t let the rain get your love life down. Guys should know that there is nothing more romantic than standing outside, alone in the rain, while gazing off into the distance with intense, soulful eyes. For those of you looking to expand your love life this new year, take advantage of the stormy weather to snatch the heart of that special someone. Gentlemen, try throwing your jacket over a puddle for your lady friend. Let her know that her dainty ankles are far too beautiful to walk through the moist streets. If she refuses to walk over your soiled jacket, casually pick up the mud-soaked piece of fabric and proudly wear it. Just make sure to catch it before it gets swept away by the Library Walk River. For the ladies, try using the curved end of your umbrella handle. Snagging a cutie by the neck has never been easier.

Tip Two: Take advantage of the new lakes found across campus to test out your new outdoor water gear. Kayaks, surf boards, water skiis and yachts are best suited to this new school environment. Since you’ve already dumped a large amount of cash on these babies, why not take them out for a spin while showing off how cool you are to your friends? Nothing screams “daredevil” more than you kayaking around your flooded dorm. Tired of sloshing your way on foot to class? Why not take a speed boat, slip-n-slide or paddle board? Not only will you get there super early, you’ll also get the added benefit of watching innocent bystanders yelp as they get drenched by your tsunami-esque wake.

Tip Three: If you’re just not feeling up to the challenge of battling the fierce forces of Mother Nature this week, our last piece of advice is to save yourself. Bury yourself in your bed, text your professors and friends and bosses that you’ve gone into survival mode, grab all of the nearest hot cocoa packets and non-perishable snacks, and hide out in your room till hell has blown over. Just make sure you keep your laptop charger with you so that you can sustain your Netflix binge until next week.

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