How-To Guru: Win Back Funding

It’s been one of those long, weird weeks where the student government suddenly decides to drop all its financial support for print media on campus. To be clear, the all-knowing How-To Guru does not take decisions like this personally. There is always a higher reason behind such catastrophic decisions. The Guru has risen far beyond the sentimental provocations of A.S. funding. ‘Tis not wise to get our newspapers all twisted up over a minor setback. Let this well-considered advice enlighten print publications on how to win back the love and support of the A.S. Council and its faithful dollars.

First of all, treat the Koala like a strict moral guidebook on how to infatuate the hearts of your fellow students. When looking for story ideas, remember that offensive words and terms are a gold mine of entertainment. In fact, there is really no such thing as being too racist, sexist or jerk-assy. The best way to be an edgy, cool publication entitled to A.S. Council funding is to aimlessly spew hateful rhetoric. Of course, some students will be offended but whatever. There’s no time to be politically correct. You’re too busy preparing scripts for a reality TV show — uh, article.

The next step is to never admit to bias. Say this with us: I am the voice of all-knowing truth, wisdom and fairness. There is no room for subjectivity or nuance in journalism. Facts are facts, and it is your responsibility as a print publication to proclaim this moral standard of utter and complete objectivity. It is the golden duty of all writers to denounce their claim on opinions, complaints or criticisms.

However, if you should write articles with just the faintest tinge of a spin to it, keep it positive. Memorize the following phrases and feel free to disperse these words (as a sort of public database of factual information) throughout your stories. Remember, the student government is simply delightful. What a lovely group of intelligent students who always makes the finest legislative decisions, especially about print media! Even when they take away their financial support, they can’t take away our profound love.

Here are a few more examples: Janet Napolitano is a sensitive, compassionate woman who makes students proud to be a part of the UC system. Geisel is a spaceship of technology and innovative thinking. Sun God Festival is a community event full of sunlight and happiness. We should also publicize how thankful we are for the ever-increasing student tuition rates. Thanks to the power of student debt, UCSD undergraduates receive the finest education. It is a system above reform, immune to improvement. It makes us kind of choked up inside with all these warm, squishy feelings. In fact, that’s the thought the How-To Guru would like to leave its followers with: luke-warm, mushy feelings. Do you feel a little like crying right now? Let it all out. That is the key to winning back funding for print media. Don’t get all butthurt about it; get smart, UCSD. It’s time to get smart.