Thanksgiving is coming up, and we know there’s nothing worse than a holiday that forces you to eat sweet potato casserole and endure suffocation in the form of hugs and sloppy kisses from grandma. Make your life easier and follow these steps to make sure you can survive this upcoming holiday in one piece.
The most obvious solution is to skip the holiday altogether. Tell your parents that you have a day-long midterm on Thursday that you cannot miss and convince them that the academic calendar is always wrong.
If this excuse doesn’t fly past mom’s radar, miss your flight on purpose to spend the least amount of time at home as possible. If you’re flying home, book your SuperShuttle to the airport way too late or conveniently “forget” to do so at all. Make sure to completely over-pack for the weekend and hold up airport security checkpoints by forgetting you have liquids in your bags and electronics in your pockets. You’ll receive bonus points if you can’t get home on time for Thanksgiving dinner at all and are forced to give thanks at a Hudson News newsstand.
If you’re a freshman or a recent transfer, you probably already know that trying to do long distance with that special someone from high school just isn’t working out. Skip the Thanksgiving “talk” with your soon-to-be-ex completely by ignoring all their calls, texts, IMs and desperate Snapchats to get your attention. Save time and energy on the break-up and find someone on Tindr or Yik Yak and cheat on your significant other before you both get home. Make sure to post the details about the affair on your social media. If you’re short on time, pull a Catfish and make someone up. Photoshop yourself into pictures with Kim Kardashian or Ryan Gosling and make sure to post these images on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter to avoid meeting up with your S.O. at all.
Properly dress for every family occasion by leaving your pants at home. If your family is celebrating with a fancy dinner, show up disheveled in your favorite fuzzy bathrobe. Make sure that you and your outfit are noticed by loudly and sporadically mentioning how many loans you took out to go to school and how many more you’ll need to take out when tuition increases. Keep a cashbox at hand throughout the entire weekend and remind your family and friends that they should be less Scrooge-y this holiday season.
Nosy aunts and uncles will likely want to bore you with questions about who you’re dating and how work or school is going, so create and print out handout copies of a personal FAQ to avoid wasting your breath. Successfully deflect all conversations or even speaking to family members by refusing to answer questions already addressed on your sheet.
With any luck, you’ll break free of your family’s love and respect and be smooth sailing the entire way back to UCSD next weekend.