If Stars Are Like Us, Then We’re Worried

Stupidity often seems directly proportional to how famous someone is (or, as Kanye puts it, “The ego is overdone … it’s like hoodies”). Most seem to think public celebrity mishaps are a rare thing (false) or that most are unintentional (also false). For your amusement, here’s my roundup of the stupidest celebrity headlines over the past two weeks:

Lady Gaga is working on a perfume — which smells of blood and semen.
First off, celebrities should not pioneer their own perfume lines. Spending 40 hours a week singing on stage, churning out addictive pop songs and sporting a sweat-soaked crotch doesn’t make some- one an expert on the art of perfumery (go away already, Fergie). Second, exactly what demographic is Lady Gaga’s perfume (which one can only hope will be called “men’s locker room”) appealing to? Serial killers? The cast of “True Blood”? Megan Fox? Hold on — no one. Even Foxy wipes that mess up before she steps out.

Kobe Bryant wants Pau Gasol to be a “black swan.”
Just when the Hollywood frenzy over Lamar Odom and Shrek Kardashian’s nuptials died down, Kobe Bryant — like the visionary team captain he is — came out with this movie analogy gem in an interview with ESPN:

“When I’m out there being aggressive and doing my thing, [Gasol] needs to follow suit and just be just as aggressive which is hard for him because it’s kind of against his nature … Even when he was in Memphis and he was the go-to guy, he was always very nice. Very white swan. I need him to be black swan.”

No word (yet) on whether Bryant plans to incorporate homoerotica as a regular part of the Lakers’ pre-game rituals — fingers crossed that tutus become a part of their uniforms.

James Franco teaches James Franco about James Franco.
When Movieline recently announced that Columbia College Hollywood would be offering a Masters course taught by James Franco, UCLA film students heaved a collective sigh of relief. The course, called “Editing James Franco … with James Franco” (seriously — even the college’s course registrar is laughing at this shit) will have 12 students create a 30-minute documentary using footage from the actor’s career. Franco plans on occasionally attending the class and Skyping in to lecture, too.

Franco’s overexposed self-love affair is sort of like Speidi 2.0. Maybe it’ll be “irreconcilable differences” for Franco and Franco, too.

They Tried to Make Him go to Rehab
As Egypt tears itself inside-out, the press has latched onto a greater tragedy — Charlie Sheen of “Two and a Half Men” took a break from starring in the world’s worst sitcom to check into a rehab center after being rushed to an LA hospital, complaining of severe abdominal pain. According to TMZ, Lindsay Lohan recently spoke out on the crisis, saying Sheen was in a “life or death situation” and was “thrilled” that the actor is seeking help.

You know you have a problem when was-that-a-stop-sign-where’s-my-fucking- coke Lohan is offering you her dearest condolences. Here’s hoping (knowing) CBS can find some other crap to fill their 9 p.m. slot. Or, to quote the good man Kanye once more: “Hangovers ain’t good man… hangovers ain’t good.”

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