Trunks: Who Needs ’Em? A Guide to Naked Sunbathing

    Moderate climes like our own provide a number of benefits — hell, where else can you don booty shorts in the dead of winter? But there’s one endless-summer perk of which only the ballsiest take advantage: the right to bare arms, legs and paper-white backsides down at Black’s Beach.

    Stashing your inhibitions (and underwear) behind one of the more distant boulders along the shore is an important first step toward ultimate seaside liberation. From there, whether the end goal is to rid yourself of farmer’s tan or merely feel nature’s breath graze your lower half, there are certain practical measures even the most free-spirited among us would do well to follow.

    First: Even if you think you’re confident enough to shed your shorts solo, no nude beach novice should tread the pube-littered shore alone.

    The grandpas in ponytails who frequent Black’s may well be harmless, but you’ll attract a few less uncomfortable lingering gazes with the safety of a friend’s hand in your own. And on the off-chance that a lab partner or other unfortunate acquaintance happens to be strolling the beach fully-clothed during your inaugural free-for-all, seeing that you’re not alone might minimize the shock (or joy) of learning that your curtains do, in fact, match the drapes.

    Sunglasses might seem an unnecessary addition, given your otherwise accessory-free ensemble, but don’t undervalue the importance of shielding your eyes from UV rays (and flirty widowers alike). The darker the lens, the smaller the likelihood of provoking bedroom eyes from lonely granddaddies.

    The shades, however, should be your sole accessory. No matter how unkind the combined forces of gravitational pull and the coastal breeze on your exposed winter flesh, the chief objective is to let loose. Though a number of casual beach-strollers bear sports bras or metal cock rings to combat the inevitable flopping factor, such precautions counter the carefree mentality implicit to nudist cardio.

    Heading down to the beach just before dusk should spare you the sight of toasty sixtysomethings tanning face down and leathery backside up. It’s also ideal if you’re looking to save a little sunscreen; going at high noon will require expending a little extra SPF on a few usually concealed crevices.

    If there’s one thing the Guru has learned outside this spiritless higher-education bubble, it’s that with all the restrictive vestiges of the morning’s outfit left carelessly behind, there’s no pleasure quite like skipping lecture to watch an explosive sunset along the shore — just make sure you track down your pants before nightfall. The trek back up to the parking lot is bleak enough already.

    Special how-to requests? Contact the guru at [email protected].

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