“I’m a real director,” Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst
asserted in 2006, forewarning all haters that they could stick any skepticism
about his budding film career up their “yeahs.” “I want to make timeless
movies.”

True to his word, Durst’s sophomore effort “The Longshots” —
better described as the alternate universe in which mean-girl Lindsay Lohan tried
out for varsity football instead of becoming a bitch — is sure to delight the
same people who shell out $10 for every inspirational high-school sports movie
churned out by studios.

Keke Palmer (“Akeelah and the Bee”) is Jasmine, the woefully
misunderstood teen who just wants to be accepted by her catty classmates. When
her no-good daddy doesn’t show up to make things right, her
makeup-salesman-turned-football-coach uncle Anaconda (Ice Cube) is there with a
healthy dose of pep-talks and self-esteem boosters (“You ain’t a girl, you a
football player”) that would make even Christina Aguilera cringe.

Naturally, Anaconda helps Jasmine prove that no matter what
the cheerleaders might say, she has attempted the impossible and reached for
her dreams. And in his desire for timelessness — after all, it might be two
years or more until this exact same plot is recycled — so has Durst. Ain’t
nobody got heart like he got heart. July 25.