Old People, Super Glue and Unleashed Dogs? Quick, Call the Cops

    Tenth week of Spring Quarter marks the approach of the good
    (summer break!), the bad (finals week) and the tragic (this year’s final
    installment of “Stealing the Shoes”). But to ease the pain of a summer without
    snarky UCSD commentary courtesy of yours truly, I bring you the now-annual Best
    of “Lights and Sirens.” If you’re like me and make a habit of checking out page
    three on Mondays, you know what I’m talking about. But if you’re unfortunately
    unfamiliar with UCSD’s weekly police-report wrap-up, have no fear: I have
    distilled all the 2007-08 bests and present them to you in these next awards.

    First, let’s start with an oldie but goody, this year’s
    Outstanding Senior Award goes to the 50-year-old white male spotted on May 2
    wearing a pink tie and blue hat, “possibly under the influence of drugs or
    alcohol,” walking down Library Walk. That’s the youthful spirit UCSD needs more
    of! (The elderly Mardi-Gras-bead sporting woman at Round Table Pizza on
    February 7, the 50-year-old man suspected of lewd conduct at Porter’s Pub on
    February 11 and the drunk 55-year-old man hanging out in front of Thornton
    Hospital
    dressed only in a bathing
    suit and hospital blanket on January 1 definitely deserve honorable mentions.)

    Next, allow me to give props to all our furry friends on
    campus. While there were quite a few animal calls this year — mostly unleashed
    dogs and bees, with one rattlesnake report that police promptly forwarded to
    animal control (who reportedly would not respond unless someone stood by with
    the snake) — one little dog named Gomie wins Most Outrageous Animal Emergency
    for the call that Gomie’s concerned owner made on February 5. The police log:
    “A shaved golden-haired Pomeranian named Gomie, last seen wearing a
    blue-and-yellow sweatshirt, was reported as missing at Geisel Library.” (Hope
    you found your way home, you flashy, spirited Triton pup, you.)

    And as I was perusing the year’s “emergencies,” I noticed a
    remarkable number of reports from the Rebecca and John
    Moores Cancer Center
    ,
    which is why it earned the These Secretaries Have Too Much Free Time Award.
    Over the course of the year, people at the center reported a ton of useless
    crimes — everything from missing magazines and bumped heads to food being
    stolen from the staff refrigerator. Though none of these crimes really
    warranted police attention.

    But the police reports weren’t all laughs, the legitimate
    calls, like domestic violence and serious injury reports, were sad to see. So
    what was the worst thing I found in the year’s “Light and Sirens” collection? A
    May 7 report that is best summarized as the Most Appalling Violation of
    Freedom. Congrats to the Lesbian Gay
    Bisexual Transgender
    Resource Center

    director who called police to report a preacher exercising his freedom of
    speech on Library Walk. So much for tolerance.

    Not all the San Diego
    drug busts were as big as San Diego State’s
    frat arrests and another downer was the volume of people caught in alcohol or
    marijuana-possession reports. But two groups deserve a Campus High Life Award
    for their smooth handling of confrontation from authorities. First is the girl
    who, when caught with marijuana by an administrator on February 28, claimed
    “she did not know that was not the protocol.” Next is the November 14 group
    who, when caught playing beer pong, claimed it was ginger ale. While these
    excuses proved futile, I respect the bold creativity that these individuals
    displayed under pressure.

    This leads me to the Get It Girl Award, which goes to the
    bold couple found sleeping in Pepper Canyon Hall after “having relations,” at
    6:22 a.m. on November 26. (Runners-up are the two men found “performing oral
    copulation” in Mayer Hall earlier that month.)

    Next we have a returning honor, the Uh, You’re Dumb Award.
    Congrats to the man who called police after realizing he could not remove the
    handcuffs given to him at a Halloween party. An honorable mention for this one
    goes to all the fine UCSD scientists responsible for chemical spills this year,
    most notably the guy who squirted ethanol in his own face and the student who
    got super glue in his eye (rest assured, the second party reported that the
    glue was “not burning”).

    Another tribute I would have liked to see die last year:
    This year’s Most Convincing Evidence that Racism Is Alive and Well in
    California Award goes to the callers responsible for reporting the black guy
    seen hanging out in Great Hall on January 17, the black guy walking along
    Discovery Way on January 7 and the black guy “wearing a yellow trench coat” in
    Gilman Parking Structure January 4 as “suspicious persons.” Because, you know,
    it’s totally suspicious for black people to be walking around campus. It’s
    definitely not possible that they’re students or even UCSD staff, right? They
    must be up to no good. (Let me reiterate from last year’s awards that nearly
    all the reports of “suspicious” white people are those doing something
    blatantly illegal, like breaking windows.)

    Again returning is the Thanks for Making This Place What It
    Is Award, which goes out to all the callers who embraced La Jolla’s
    unfortunate, oppressive atmosphere by calling police on anyone and everyone
    wanting to have fun on campus. This was mainly a lot of noise disturbance calls
    about people “heard laughing,” “throwing water balloons,” “goofing around,”
    playing various playground sports (touch football, group handball), singing or
    playing Guitar Hero for extended periods. But, similar to the last award, it
    goes out to all the people who reported totally harmless individuals as
    “suspicious persons.” Like the person who reported a Halloween
    trick-or-treater: The student had “black and white paint on his face and a
    black shirt was … asking passing students for candy.” Or the person who
    reported “two 20-year-old Latino males … wearing gloves and carrying tools by
    the construction site at Lot 703.” (Checks OK.) Gee,
    they couldn’t be, I don’t know, construction workers?!

    Alternatively, I bring you the two Bizarre Crime I’m Sorry I
    Missed Award winners. Congrats to the trespassing man who jumped “into a kelp
    tank containing sensitive animals at Birch Aquarium Admissions in spite of
    surrounding ‘no trespassing’ signs” on May 2. And the group of students arguing
    over “times for using the kilns” (Bonus points to guy who, when questioned by
    police at the scene, responded: “Shove it up your ass.”) Oh, and the guy who
    stole $50 worth of coffee-cart pastries gets an honorable mention.

    And finally, this year’s Shining Light in “Lights and Sirens”
    Award goes to three individuals who decided to shake things up, and finally
    bring some fun to campus: the host of the “out of control” party on October 28,
    the juvenile reported on September 30 as “drunk and walking down La Jolla
    Village Drive carrying 40 oz. of Miller Genuine Draft” and the guy caught
    making beer at Oceania Hall on May 22. Thanks for giving it the old college
    try.

    Alright guys, that brings us to the end of our awards
    ceremony. Congrats again to all this year’s winners, and to the audience: Have
    a great summer, thanks for another good year.

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