DEAR MICROSOFT,

Congratulations! You’ve once again beat Sony, your biggest
competitor, to crown the Xbox 360 as the second best-selling console for the
month of March.

The decision to drop the 360’s European entry price was
nothing short of brilliant, garnering you a whole 2.8-percent sales increase.
In fact, where you’ve sold more, Sony actually lost units, 23,800 specifically.
Clearly, your marketing and financial strategy is paying off.

While I’m sure you would’ve liked to be the number one
platform holder, the Nintendo Wii is an unstoppable powerhouse, selling a good
459,000 units more than you. You’ve successfully maintained your position as
the dominant high-definition console. Well done! Amid your success, I just have
one question to ask:

Microsoft, why do you hate me?

Actually, let me rephrase that. Why do you hate your
customers? Your marketing ploys are working, and many a night I dream of having
one of your darlings in my bedroom and fiddling its sticks with my thumbs. But
I’m not stupid. You may have fooled the average buyer, but I’m well aware of
your abysmal customer service. Don’t act like you don’t know, Microsoft. I’ve
heard the stories, and I’ve witnessed some of them firsthand. How long do you
think you can sustain your lead in the market? It’s obvious you’ll never achieve
Nintendo’s status, but do you really think you can keep beating Sony with price
drops? You really think you can keep selling units when Sony starts lowering
their prices?

You know, I just want competent hardware. I want a console
that doesn’t sound like an anally probed cow every time I turn it on. Do you
realize that while the Playstation 3 purrs like a sensitive kitty cat, the Xbox
360 howls like a cracked-out mastodon.

But let’s assume I’m being a bit harsh. Perhaps the
discomfort of the system’s heavy breathing is only a small sacrifice for some
greater enjoyment. Then again, assuming I somehow numb myself of the sound, I
only have about a year’s worth of playtime before I come across the “red ring
of death,” the bane of every early adopter’s existence, the ongoing joke
proving your system’s consistent fallibility.

Your only response is a warranty extension and the creation
of an Xbox Replacement Service. Do you really think warranty extensions and
increased customer service will satisfy your target audience? Microsoft, here’s
what we really want: a reliable system. That’s it. Has your mind been blown?

But I understand. It costs less to extend warranties and
expand customer service. It’s a tough financial move to recall systems and to
reproduce 360s with solid and stable hardware. So perhaps I am being a bit too
critical. Perhaps I should judge the quality of the platform by the competency
of your proud online services.

Unfortunately, even on Xbox Live you consistently remain
ignorant of your audience. PC gaming has always offered free multiplayer
services, but your online gaming initiative has gamers paying for services on
both the X360 and the PC.

How can we ever appreciate paying for services that we know
are supposed to be free? While I can appreciate your extensive library of
original and remade arcade games, your paying system is absurd. Why do I have
to pay more money just to buy one specific item? I don’t own a 360, but when I
want to throw down two bucks to play a song for Rock Band on my friend’s
system, I want to spend exactly $2 for the item, not $5 on 500 points. What the
fuck am I going to do with 300 extra points?

Do you understand why I’m upset, Microsoft? I truly want a
360. I dream of fondling its smooth curvatures in the palms of my hand. But
you’re making it hard for me. You were never supposed to enter the gaming
industry, but I supported you.

I loved your platform’s clunky yet attractive predecessor,
and I wanted to support the sequel. I really did. But I’m convinced that you
hate me. You fail to cater to my needs, and all you do is take and take and
take. I can’t handle this one-sided relationship.

Do I want a copy of Bioshock? You bet I do. Do I want to
play Gears of War 2? You have no idea.

But I’ll pass. I look forward to creative and original
independent titles in WiiWare that Xbox Live Arcade could never hope to
replicate, and what I can’t find on the Wii I’ll find solace in the PS3.

Perhaps when you finally hit mass-market value, when your
system sells for as much as the Wii, I’ll reconsider. But you’ve truly broken
my heart, Microsoft, and it won’t be easy to repair.

Sincerely,

Philip Rhie