{grate 2} Recreating the 1970s a la “Anchorman” — but with more lingo,
faux-glam and over-the-top extravagance that characterized the decade —
“Semi-Pro” tells of basketball owner/coach/player Jackie Moon (Will Ferrell)
who attempts to get his team, the Flint Tropics, successfully inducted into the
NBA after word comes that their own conference is merging with the league. With
teammates Coffee Black (André 3000) and Monix (Woody Harrelson) working hard
with Moon to boost game attendance and morale with publicity stunts, the film
is ultimately a mess of slapstick barf scenes, sex, Russian roulette and
occasional free-throws which prove simply disappointing and drawn out. Like its
last photocopy, “Blades of Glory,” “Semi-Pro” is just “Another Will Ferrell
Movie,” the classic stock of which you’ve undoubtedly already seen. It’s a
shame that it has to come to us from Kent Alterman, producer of the genius
“Elf,” who’s now trying his rookie hand at the directing game.

Oh, Will Ferrell, what were you thinking? Some lessons for
future screenplay selection:

1. Choose a movie you haven’t done before: An actor’s
filmography shouldn’t resemble the “Land Before Time” series. That is, all
projects shouldn’t have similar plots with similar characters and similar
themes. It’s not a good sign when your fans can say this movie was better than
“Blades of Glory,” which was way worse than “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of
Ricky Bobby,” which was worse than “Old School,” which was about as funny as
“Anchorman,” which was better than all that other crap on your resume. If the
glory days on SNL and a YouTube video called “The Landlord” have provided most
of your popularity, we’ve got a serious problem.

2. If it’s comedy, it better be funny: Should your trademark
happen to be that your flicks are some of the most quotable in the industry,
you might want to pick a screenplay that isn’t littered with arbitrary swearing
purely for the sake of distracting from the recognizable lack of wit. Sure, it
usually doesn’t take much for Ferrell to make people laugh; after all, he’s
memorable for making stupidity funny again, running around shamelessly with his
junk hanging out for laughs and all. However, screenwriters have to provide
something clever to say right as he trips. Just because people are laughing,
Will, doesn’t mean they aren’t listening to the words coming out of your mouth.

Choose a script where a goofy afro and skimpy shorts don’t
have to do all the work. While your Chewbacca-hairy chest, jelly donut tummy
rolls and irresistible sideburns will do the trick for now, it won’t be long
till people realize something’s missing.

3. Three consecutive sports parodies is not a charm. NASCAR
racing? Check. Ice skating? Check. Basketball? Check. And who could forget that
flop of a family comedy a couple years back, “Kicking and Screaming” … Soccer?
Check. Yep, you’ve done it all. Come on, what’s next, water ballet? We get it
already! You have an unexplainable obsession with sports and winners and
underdog sport winners. Isn’t it time to move on? You thought you had us all
fooled with the serious “Stranger than Fiction,” teasing your fans into
thinking that you were in fact a multifaceted actor — but once again, you
pulled the rug out from under us. Our hearts can hardly take it anymore, Will.