Ididn’t think I’d ever find myself defending Soulja Boy’s
good name, but this is just ridiculous, people. “Supermanning a ho” is exactly
what Soulja Boy shows us in the video — a dance move. Nothing more. You might
know this if you spent less time watching “Two Girls, One Cup” and spent more
of your free time on YouTube, watching high-schoolers invent variational dances
in their bedrooms. Just type “Crank Dat” into the search window, and you’ll get
about 31,000 results — and most aren’t by Soulja Boy. Ever heard “Crank Dat
Spiderman”? How about “Crank Dat Batman”? These aren’t double entendres;
they’re actually dances inspired by the Marvel and DC universes.

Those who think Soulja Boy has such a dirty mind should
check out his biography: Born in 1990. That’s right, the kid turned 17 this
year. Dude just wants to dance — and, apparently, so does the rest of the
country. Some of the most successful Southern rap singles in recent years have
been little more than vehicles for popular dance moves: “Lean Wit it, Rock Wit
it,” “Shoulder Lean,” “Walk it Out” and “Snap Yo Fingers” certainly come to
mind. Even New York rappers — who years ago wouldn’t be caught dead imitating
their Southern competition — are taking part, with limb-looseners like “Chicken
Noodle Soup” and “Aunt Jackie.”

The “Crank Dat” Movement — yeah, I called it a movement — is
different from its slow-spreading predecessors because it almost wholly
originated on the Internet. As a result, the process is more democratized, and
the memes are multiplying rapidly. For instance, not long after the “Simpsons
Movie” came out, there was a “Crank Dat Spider Pig” rap and dance on YouTube —
a reference not only to the movie, but also to YouTube rappers’ proclivity
toward superhero subject matter. Stupid as the song is, you have to off your
hat to Young Steph for his willingness to rap about cartoon characters (“Hoes —
I get ’em, clothes — I get ’em/ snitchin-ass niggas, yeah I call ’em Chief
Wiggums”), complete with a hook from Homer himself.

“The Simpsons” isn’t the only unlikely inspiration for
“Crank Dat” spinoffs. Old arcade games are also fair, uh, game — “Crank Dat Ryu” is a personal favorite. For
some reason, nerdy black characters from ’90s sitcoms are also popular
(everyone knows “Crank Dat Carlton” is 10 times cooler than “Crank Dat Urkel
Dance”). I’d actually love to see a “Crank Dat Elaine Benes” as well, but I’m
not holding my breath.

Of course, as with any Internet phenomenon, there have been
a number of “Crank Dat” parody songs. Some, like “Crank Dat Army Boy,” take
direct shots at the sheer stupidity and unoriginality of Soulja Boy’s song and
dance. Others really blur the line between parody and just another “Crank Dat”
remake. For example, “Crank Dat Folgers Boy” features all coffee-related rhymes
and dance moves: Imagine someone doing the Soulja Boy with a coffee mug in
hand, pulling moves to lines like “Catch me at that local Starbucks, yes I’m
gonna bring the team/ Haters getting mad cause I got me some extra cream.” It
even opens with the Folgers coffee jingle. Don’t believe me? YouTube that shit.

The beauty of the movement is that literally anything goes,
so long as it follows the “Crank Dat” form. Sure, “Folgers Boy” is a parody,
but the song and dance actually exist, and thousands of people have actually
watched it on YouTube. So those who argue that the Internet ruined rap need to
relax (even though they’re probably right), because it has clearly saved rap by
reviving it as a great medium for dance, even if the music itself isn’t always
that great. At least it’s not boring.