All of you should feel
really privileged right now, because I’m about to let you in on eight little
secrets. But before we get to the goods, you’re going to have to bear with a
little back story, because y’all ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for free. And it goes
like this:

About a year ago, I
was abruptly awakened from a mid-afternoon slumber to my roommate’s frantic
voice calling, “Come here! You have to see this!” So, naturally, I got up to
address the situation, and was pleasantly surprised to find him watching Kelis’
“Bossy” video on YouTube.com. But it wasn’t the video that he wanted me to see
— it was a user comment after the video that had caught his attention.

Some hater commented
that the video was the stupidest thing he/she had ever seen in his/her life,
which spurred a diehard gem of a fan to intellectually shoot back, “Yo this
video isn’t stupid because she’s showing that she’s the boss of her own lyfe.” That’s right, lyfe.

It was then and there
that my roommate and I decided to separate life from lyfe. Life, we reasoned, should consist of biology tests,
drive-through windows, crappy first dates and all the other daily shit that we
have to deal with. Lyfe, on the other
hand, has a set of painstakingly crafted (by myself and close friends)
philosophies all its own, and once you’ve adopted them, I promise you that your
life — er, lyfe — will never be the
same.

First rule: If they offer it, you take it. This
rule is extremely important because “they” signifies anyone, just us “it”
signifies anything: food, a ride, a bowl, and even obscure actions like washing
the dishes. Remember that this rule is first for a reason, and it works in
mysterious ways. Always accept every offer, because you never know when the next
one will come around. So seize your chance, or be sorry.

Rule number two: When in doubt, pull out.
This rule was initially developed as a loophole for rule number one — it also
works in any situation. It might mean you say “no.” It also might mean you get the
hell out, ASAP.

Number three: If you want it, snatch it.
Sometimes they don’t offer it, and that’s when rule number three kicks in. If
you want it badly enough, then godspeed, comrade, only you know what you have
to do to get it. Never rule out any tactics, but if you’re ever in doubt, refer
to rule number two.

Fourth rule: Work it. This rule should
be self-explanatory, and works best when combined with any or all of the other
philosophies, especially rule number three.

Rule number five: Blame
everyone else. Nothing is ever your fault — nothing. Make sure that you do
everything in your power to shift the blame away from yourself at all costs.
And if something is your fault, see the next rule.

Number six: If you got a problem, deal with
it. Any questionable situations must be handled without even the slightest
hesitation. Preferably, you should figure out how to solve problems using
methods that work best for you, but if that tactic doesn’t work, remember that
you can always use rule number two as a last resort.

Rule number seven: Get money.
Seriously, don’t ever underestimate the power of this philosophy. This is
the rule that has forced me to get out of bed after drinking all night when I
have work in the morning — or when I have to write this column.

And finally: Just do it for the story. Your
friends will really appreciate this one, because stories are always
entertaining, whether they’re hilarious, creepy or all-around out of control.
And I don’t think any further explanation is needed.

So I must say thank
you to the anonymous person who introduced me to the concept of lyfe. That person provided the necessary
spark I needed to define what lyfe
actually means on a deeper level. The subsequent rules that I’ve developed with
close friends to govern lyfe have
worked time and time again.

I’m not saying that
you have to ditch your life. I’m just saying that a foray into lyfe would do everyone a little good.

Also, you can’t forget
that lyfe has a different meaning for
everyone. Although I think these philosophies cover a lot of bases, they developed one by one
over time, and I can’t rule out the possibility that more rules will be added
to the list when appropriate.

You can also custom-build your list to create a lyfe philosophy that suits you as an
individual; take, for example, my friend’s mother, who is familiar with this
list. She recently offered sage wisdom appropriate for her lyfestyle: If there are refills, buy small, she said. And I say go
for it. Be the boss of your own lyfe.

There you have it. I just offered you eight rules that I
think will adequately prepare you for any new lyfestyle. So you better take them.