Mark Cuban wants to change the way you go to the movies. You heard right – the man who’s been thrown out of more Dallas Mavericks games (and he’s the owner) than any other under-50 hotshot CEO thinks he knows a thing or two about what people want out of the theaters. Of course, it helps that he co-owns the Landmark Theater chain with business partner and buddy Todd Wagner.
Some of the innovations Cuban hopes to implement, as stated in the latest issue of Variety, are a self-serve concession stand known only as the “”Wall of Popcorn,”” a lounge environment and even beanbag chairs inside the theater. He wants Landmark, the largest art-house theater chain in the country, to be the “”ultimate night out for grownups,”” a classy place without the dingy, low-down tradition of many indie moviehouses. Think artsy, not arty.
Seeing that we’ve got our very own Landmark only a few blocks away – off Nobel – and that these features threaten impending arrival, it gets one thinking: What does a modern movie theater need to survive (besides better movies, but that’s obviously beside the point)? In my own cine-fascist universe, I would ban nearly 87 percent of food sold. But sadly, it’s not my theater, and that probably wouldn’t go over too well with audiences. Here, though, are a few suggestions for Cuban and other theater chains, on behalf of the people:
1) Construct a device that blocks incoming cell phone calls.
Sorry, but when you have to answer the little devil to squeak, “”Can’t talk, I’m watching a movie,”” you probably shouldn’t be there in the first place. Better yet, save yourself the money, turn off the lights in your bedroom and get your text on there, sparing us that annoying glow of “”LOLs”” and “”JKJKs.”” A giant reception-interfering antenna would probably do the trick, and keep morons with low attention spans from going schizo with their gadgets.
2) Dim those damn aisle lights.
It’s nice that you don’t want people to eat it on that sticky carpet, but blinding 300-watt bulbs every 5 inches makes the cockroaches on the floor the stars of the show (unless, of course, it’s a Pixar movie). Of course I exaggerate on the actual wattage, but turning down the lights would keep every sexual act and nose pick incognito, which is great for the rest of us.
3) Conversely, don’t skimp on the wattage of projection bulbs.
This may seem fairly trivial, but the fact is the lighting on most screens is significantly darker than it should be, because some theater owners believe it will save them money that instead belongs safe and warm in their pockets (it won’t). Brighten the picture – it’ll reassure us that we don’t have cataracts and you’ll end up with a fat cash payoff.
4) Put stadium seating in all theaters.
This is perhaps the only thing on which the multiplexes have ever improved. I want to be relaxed while watching a movie, not feel like I’m at lecture with two centimeters of leg room and worn seat springs.
5) Provide concession vendors in each theater before the lights go down.
They do it at sports games, so why not here? It would save us the agony of watching the man who darts in between the concessions stand and the darkened theater, seconds after the trailers, only to lose balance and land his soda and popcorn all over your date. Then the kicker: He tries to recover the lost popcorn.
6) Fine chronic loud talkers.
It’s the simplest way to curb the worst problem. Just set a decibel level; anything above a whisper results in the patron paying double the ticket price. It sounds like an asshole thing to do, but, dollars to donuts, you probably won’t be hearing someone ask obvious, dumb questions like, “”Who killed who?”” or “”You want some Cotixan’s after?””
Not that a wall of popcorn would be less cool, but it unfortunately doesn’t solve the problems keeping most “”grownups”” away from the big screen. Work from the inside out, before you decide to extreme-home-makeover the lobby. If you save the screen, they will come.
