Underwear Bandit a Model of Creativity

    Last week in Pullman, Wash., a man was charged with theft after he was seen stealing women’s underwear from two different apartment-complex laundry rooms. Police searched his home to discover 93 pounds’ worth of stolen bras and panties – enough to fill five trash bags.

    Now maybe I’m just really sick and twisted for not being appalled that this guy is so sick and twisted, but to me this seems hilarious.

    Just think: You wake up to find that you’re out of clean underwear, so you run down to the laundry room to do a load of wash. Then next thing you know, the 45-minute cycle is done, but your favorite pair of tighty whities is nowhere to be seen. Perplexed, you go back to your apartment frustrated that you left something out. But then you find that actually, no, the undies were in that load originally, and now they most certainly are not. That’s an awkward realization. But what’s more delightfully ridiculous is to picture the scene inside the laundry room. Some man enters the room, marches right up to your spinning knickers, yanks them from their sock brethren, slips them into his pocket and is on his merry way. And all in front of a witness.

    Can you imagine being the kid who witnessed this weirdo pocketing panties and called the cops? How does one even react? “”Um, hi, 911? I just witnessed a theft … “”

    Again, maybe I’m just strange, but I’m always really fascinated when I hear about things like this. It takes a special kind of person to steal underwear from a laundry room in the first place, and the fact that he did it in front of a witness makes him one of the more ballsy people I’ve heard of. And sure, he’s a little perverted, but talk about outgoing. That takes moxie.

    What about the guy in Mahopac, N.Y., who was arrested for breaking into a barn during the night and spray-painting the genitals of three goats orange? That guy had panache.

    Obviously, this crime had a much clearer victim – the helpless goats – but what’s a little spray paint when you sleep in dirt and hay? The paint washed off and since the incident, one goat has even birthed a healthy baby.

    But the point is, just like the panty pirate, this guy clearly isn’t just an average New York businessman. I think he’s got something to say, and it’s not just about goats and orange spray paint.

    I mean if he were a little further south, in New York City, he’d probably be praised for his innovative spark. If anything, he’s an artistic genius who is just a little misunderstood. This guy’s breaking boundaries as an avant-garde artist, and Mahopac just isn’t ready for it. Take that, Jackson Pollock.

    These guys remind me of a UCSD story about a foot fetishist who went around asking to see women’s feet for a study he was conducting. When the women took off their shoes, he would rub their feet inappropriately.

    Sure, that’s creepy, and if someone tried to molest my feet, I’d probably deck them, but come on – you know that guy has some interesting stories to tell. And I would hate to completely write off someone that complex as a simple weirdo. No, it’s an injustice to dismiss a man creative enough to pose as a research professional in order to satisfy his urge for feet.

    He must be a great actor if he convinced people of something so sketchy. Sacha Baron Cohen and Stephen Colbert lie to people all the time for our entertainment, and that’s socially acceptable; why can’t this guy lie to people for his own entertainment?

    While most people would see these guys as one-dimensionally peculiar, I’m not convinced. Mr. Underwear Thief, for instance, is obviously a real go-getter. He knows what he wants and he’s not afraid to take it. Having stolen an estimated 1,500 undergarments, you know he’s not one to give up on things. Plus, with such an extensive collection, he must be pretty organized. We’re not just talking about some depraved deviant – this guy is a real connoisseur. Plus, a weird fetish coupled with a fearless attitude and a willingness to break the law? Hell, he’s a regular J. Edgar Hoover.

    I guess what I’m saying is, beyond the feet touching, goat fetish and panty stealing, these guys seem like interesting characters. Yeah, they have some strange interests, but I’m not one to judge. It would make conversations all the more entertaining.

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