5th Annual AntiOscars: Least Successful Pedophile

    This year was tough on the dreams of the filmic pedophile. Cate Blanchett’s student-teacher lust was squelched by the evil lesbian glare of a cock-blocking Judi Dench in “”Notes on a Scandal””; “”Venus”” saw Peter O’Toole give up just about everything (including his dignity) for the pathetic chance to paw at an obnoxious, albeit young, houseguest; “”Little Children”” called for desperate measures – of the self-inflicted, knife-meets-genital sort. And, of course, there was the exposition of the most illustrious career in child corruption – Father O’Grady finally got called out for two decades of naughty Sunday school in “”Deliver Us from Evil.””

    But at least O’Grady still keeps hundreds of sweet memories as a scot-free man. The official award for least-successful pedophile of 2006 goes to Jeff Kohlver (played by Patrick Wilson) in “”Hard Candy,”” for the stunning inability to defend himself against a 14-year-old girl half his size. When Kohlver brings object-of-desire Hayley Stark home for a sexy underage photo shoot, he learns the ultimate lesson about the dysfunctional ingenuity of today’s youth: Stark slips him a roofie in a vodka screwdriver, and Kohlver awakes tied to a chair while his prey-turned-predator rummages through his apartment, looking for evidence of child pornography. Over the course of the day, he undergoes a nightmarish whirlwind of beatings, saran-wrap suffocation, chemical cleaner down the throat, Tasers in the shower and multiple fake castrations. Faced with the possibility of life in prison (thanks to planted evidence courtesy of his latest conquest), Kohlver ends the movie by hanging himself from the chimney.

    Perhaps this year, Hollywood’s sexual predators will learn from the pedophilic failures of 2006 and stick to some good old-fashioned bondage to keep the party going.

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