Americans are ridiculous.

The National Swine Resource and Research Center announced earlier this year that they have cloned pigs with a modified gene that causes them to create omega-3 fatty acids — which are found in fish and nuts, and are healthier for human consumption than other fats — in the place of some omega-6 fatty acids. That’s right, thanks to thousands of dollars and years of research and scientific development, heart-healthy bacon and pork chops are on the way.

But … have we really reached a point where we’ll mess with another mammal’s genetic structure rather than moderate our fat intake?

Some of the country’s top researchers are now spending tremendous amounts of time and money — all in the name of gluttony. All that effort, just so Americans don’t have to adjust their diets to be healthy. We have reached a point of such laziness and indulgence that we’re willing to go to overwhelming extremes in order to avoid making small changes to our daily routines. That is ridiculous.

Take, for example, the new and slightly more fuel-efficient Hummer H3. Once upon a time, some clever entrepreneur took a combat vehicle, painted it yellow, marketed it to high-maintenance 20- to 30-somethings and thus the original Hummer was born. This testosterone-mobile sold pretty well, since Americans love shiny new toys; but as it turns out, tanks aren’t the most fuel-efficient vehicles. So General Motors made a slightly more efficient model to entice the “environmentally friendly” demographic, pushing the bar up from about 11 miles per gallon with the original Hummer to the H3’s whopping 16 miles per gallon.

If financial and environmental costs are the concern, I have the solution: Don’t buy a Hummer. It’s not as if the war zone of American suburbia demands a vehicle that can plow through three feet of water without drowning the engine. Carpooling, public transportation and good old-fashioned walking shoes are all vastly more cost- and fuel-efficient than driving what is meant to be a military vehicle. Instead of spending thousands on a new and improved armored car, what people really need to do is grab $1.75 from the coin jar and catch the next bus — or what the hell, walk.

What about those weight-loss pills that supposedly stop your body from absorbing fats? Ignore for a moment the fact that hardly anything seen on an infomercial actually works, and consider: Rather than dishing out three easy payments of $19.99, why don’t we all just put down the chocolates? Everywhere you turn there is an advertisement for some miracle pill — just swallow this little baby and you’ll lose weight without changing your lifestyle one bit!

In America, if you want to lose weight you can banish carbs from your life and still eat 10 pounds of beef a day. Or eat only South Beach diet-approved foods. Or consume only melon, malted milk balls and Slurpees. Why not stick with a balanced diet of foods you like — and just eat less of them? You’d please your taste buds and get the right nutrients at the same time. After all, no one’s fooled by that Hearty Lean Cuisine bullshit.

If you really want to lose weight, just go jogging a couple times a week and eat 200 or so fewer calories a day. Sure, it takes a little effort and discipline — but it’s definitely healthier and more effective. Americans are too lazy to make changes such as these to their daily schedule. It’s more convenient to pour countless hours and dollars into the possible invention of an easy fix.

But this magical cure-all — much to the surprise of most Americans — doesn’t exist, and often times the easiest fix still takes effort or, at the very least, some restraint. We need to put an end to this nationwide lethargy that has overcome us and take some initiative, and while we’re at it, chill out on the candy and shiny toys. Rather than exhausting resources and time to create a magic diet pill, an armored car that gets 16 miles to the gallon instead of 11 or healthy pigs, all people need to do is make better choices and stop being lazy.

For instance, take a refreshing walk into a world away from American sloth: The other day I was out to dinner with two friends and we decided to catch a movie. As we left the restaurant, one friend began walking toward his car, ready to go to the theater. I was right behind him, ready to habitually drive wherever I needed to go. Then the other friend said something that hadn’t even crossed my mind: “No man, let’s just walk, it’s right across the way.” Gee, what a novel idea. Am I really so goddamn lazy that I can’t walk a few yards? That is ridiculous.

So we walked to the theater. And you know what? It wasn’t that hard at all. I didn’t have to exert any tremendous amount of energy, and my friend saved a few pennies on gas. Like that child’s song, we just had to put one foot in front of the other. Simple.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: Bacon just isn’t an everyday food. So take a break from that daily sausage-bacon-egg McMuffin and grab some fucking nuts instead of altering an animal’s genetic code.