I recently discovered a show on VH1 called “Can’t Get a Date.” I like it because I … um, nevermind. VH1’s Web site says, “Viewers are guided through Can’t Get A Date by The Host, who is heard but never seen … With an innovative shooting method, all interactions with The Host happen directly to camera, and a genuine rapport is quickly developed between the characters, The Host and the audience.” Ooh, I love the creepy use of technology. The ultimate aim of the show is to “explore the problems” of each lonely subject and “teach them the skills to find love in an honest, amusing and unique way.”
The folks at VH1 are onto something. Judging from the listless shuffling and blank stares of most UCSD students, I figured this problem (which I dubbed “can’t get a date-itis,” because I’m an idiot) is running rampant on our campus. With mating season just around the corner, it’s worth tackling a few of the most common dating problems at UCSD.
Note: The following is funny because I made up the questions, and as a pasty schmuck with a butt that’s molded to my chair, I’m wholly unqualified to dispense dating advice in any way, shape or form.
Q: I’m a greasy, overweight computer science major so pale I glow in the dark. How can I score a hot Asian chick for long nights of intense lovemaking?
A: The first step to being a sex god is the toughest: You must exit AP&M. Then, try a few of the following on for size: Showering. Deodorant. A haircut. A change of clothes. A trip to the gym. The development of some social skills. Also, throw out your spankerchief and spiff up your pad: You’ll need some bangin’ decor when you lure girls back to your room with your massive collection of “Star Wars” memorabilia.
Q: I signed up for Japanese to meet some hot Asian chicks, and it worked! My class is so full of exotic cuties, my head is swimming. How can I bag my dream date?
A: Ask the sensei if you can do an extra-credit oral presentation. Then stand up in the front of the class and do a Japanese-language PowerPoint presentation loaded with pictures of your neato Bento box, high-tech rice cooker and anime collection. End the presentation with an animated GIF of you doing donuts in your Honda. The chicks will be climbing over each other to get your digits.
Q: I work with this hot Asian chick, and I can never get her out of my head! Thoughts of her distract me in class, at home, while I’m working out, in the shower … it’s like she goes with me wherever I go! How can I resolve this? I’m going crazy.
A: Asking her out would be helpful here.
Q: I’m a hot Asian chick, and can’t step anywhere on campus without getting hit on by hordes of digusting guys, and the occasional stud muffin. How can I get these stalkers and creeps off my back? I already have a boyfriend.
A: Hire a bodyguard named Vinny to tail you wherever you go. Bonus points if he has rabies and is willing to carry your books from class to class.
Q: I’m fairly attractive, but since my roommate is a really hot stud that all the ladies love, I’m relegated to the “wingman” role. It doesn’t help that he is extremely outgoing, and I’m more of a quiet guy. How do I get some girls of my own?
A: Girls have wingmen (“wingwomen” or “flygirls”) too, so your job is to locate wingwomen and hit on them. Trust me, they’ll be happy for the attention. Using this method, the A-listers like your roommate will score other A-listers, and wingmen will find wingwomen, and the universe will become orderly and perfect. You and your honey can get married on a windswept beach at Martha’s Vineyard, wear a lot of Brooks Brothers, and name your first baby girl — unironically — Selena. Or Oprah.
Alternatively, tamper with your roommate’s phone so all calls from willing hotties are forwarded to you.
Q: I’m a cool enough girl, but I find that the guys I’m interested in never have the guts to ask me out. I’m at the end of my rope, and ready to make a move on the guy I currently like. Is that a good idea?
A: Sure, if he thinks you’re hot. If he doesn’t, you’ll be the subject of behind-the-scenes ridicule for years to come.
Q: I love my boyfriend, but he goes to school at Yale and the distance is killing me. Plus, I’ve had my eye on the guy down the hall for the entire year. Am I a terrible person for cutting things off with Mr. East Coast and pursuing things with this UCSD guy?
A: Hardly. Unless your boyfriend’s penis is 3,000 miles long, this long-distance relationship will simply make you miserable. Might as well dump him before he admits that he’s been cheating on you this entire time.
Q: I thought things with “Alice” were great. But here’s the thing: We’ve been on five dates now and have made out a bunch of times, but her Facebook status is still “single”! We’re effectively in a relationship, so what gives?
A: Facebook purgatory is tough. On one hand, the Internet is not real life. On the other hand, the population of UCSD checks the site about 20 times an hour and judges people based on the minutiae of their profiles, so it might as well be real life. Who knows how many pokes from random strangers your “girlfriend” is getting? Send her a relationship request, pronto. How she responds will reflect her true colors.
Q: I really want a girlfriend, but whenever it comes time to ask a girl out, I choke up! How can I overcome this problem?
A: Drink half a bottle of Jagermeister before approaching attractive girls. It’s worked for frat boys for centuries, and it can work for you.
Well, that’s all the questions we have time for today. Feel free to send your own questions or objections to my well-researched, well-thought-out and frankly earth-shattering advice to [email protected].
