Are you familiar with the feeling of claws kneading your face at seven in the morning?

No?

I wish I wasn’t, either.

Let me back up a little. You know those people who insist that cats are sucky pets because they’re allegedly aloof, private and low-maintenance to the point of only putting up with you because you feed them?

After having a cat demand my attention for the millionth time, I feel justified in saying that those people are damn dirty liars. Cats — unless you abuse them — are attention whores. They will rub against your leg when you are toweling off after a shower. They will happily purr at you as you pee. They will jump onto the table in hopes of sharing your dinner with you. They will meow and claw at the door as you try to lie sleepily in bed. And if you make the mistake of actually letting them into your room in the morning, God help you. Your face is about to get kneaded.

(Dogs, I imagine, have a similar attention-getting routine, but instead of kneading your face, they joyously urinate on you.)

And you know what else reeks of bullshit in the dog-vs.-cat debate? It’s gendered. (Get ready to unleash your estrogen-fueled rage, girls.) Men are only too eager to claim that they’re Dog People; suggesting to a Dog Man that he pet your cat, or get in the room with a cat, or even acknowledge that cats have any redeeming qualities, is akin to asking him to put on an apron and make you a souffle, then give his male roommate a hand job.

And that small percentage of men who admit they’re cat lovers? Bless ‘em, but I have yet to find one who doesn’t fit the category of “alternative,” “indie” or “geeky.” The Cat Guy is the sort of man who will come over to fix your computer and stays to play with your cat and complain about how he hasn’t gotten laid in a year.

Why is that? I think real men should go beyond the manic barking and wet kisses that dogs have to offer, and graduate to the nipped ankles and neat piles of vomit that cats eagerly dole out. But that’s just me.

Girls, on the other hand, are suckers for cats, especially kittens, and many men look at outed Cat Women with disdain. “Oh, you’re a Cat Person? I could tell,” Anonymous Male Companion unctuously opines, as he looks down his nose at you while his Great Dane chokes him with its leash and humps his leg. To men, dogs are like trucks: the bigger the better, even if the mileage is poor. Little dogs won’t do, because holding a pet is not as manly as having him drag you along the street.

The traditional wisdom is that cats are like women: temperamental, finicky, aloof and tempestuous. And dogs, I suppose, somehow resemble men. This makes more sense when I realize that both are playful, lovable, often coated with a uniform film of slobber, in consant need of baths and walks, much more agreeable after a good neutering and love to catch Frisbees in their mouths.

But, after doing extensive research on the subject in my capacity as a cat scientist (i.e., petting my roommate’s cats while watching MTV’s “Laguna Beach”), I realized that the woman-cat similarities are actually entirely different than previously thought.

Observe:

•Both cats and women have sharp little teeth.

•Both enjoy stalking, and then eating, moths and spiders.

•Both are known to splay their legs under water faucets to achieve orgasm.

•Like women, cats occasionally develop severe self-esteem issues that result in the purchase of shoddy breast implants.

•Both love to sleep in warm places, like on top of surge protectors, dryers or on your chest.

•Like women, cats receive the highest praise when waking up early to make breakfast for their partners.

•Both species sometimes fall for outrageous fashion trends, like capri pants or Ugg boots, after reading about them in glossy magazines and seeing them worn by their favorite celebrities.

•Both enjoy basking underneath the car parked in the driveway. Males are advised to check the wheels before they back out in the morning.

•Blonde cats are the prettiest.

•Both will ignore expensive and complicated toys in favor of empty paper bags and toes sticking out from under the covers.

•Both run about $100 at a reputable animal shelter, including vaccinations and spaying/neutering.

•Both are fiercely territorial, and resent having competition for attention brought into the home.

•Both throw up a lot, especially after drinking too many Appletinis at the bar.

•Both sleep with your best friend after dumping you over AOL Instant Messenger.

•Both come in a variety of shapes and patterns, including tabby, spotted, marbled, tortoiseshell, Siamese, Persian, longhair, calico and lazy-but-lovable tub of lard.

•Both face a confusing mix of celebration and derision when they display an ounce of independence or assertiveness.

•Both are loved by crazy little old ladies, who tend to collect dozens of them and keep them in squalor in their small apartments or run-down houses.

•Both will nip your ankle when hungry.

•Both cry at strange times, like at weddings.

•Both are fun to watch roll around, playing with each other, although they are often secretive about this behavior and prefer to do it in private.

•Both are particularly susceptible to being hit by cars as they attempt to cross the street.

•Both love to walk across your keyboard, then drape themselves across your mouse hand.

•Both can rise up on their hind legs, using their tails for balance and striking toys with both of their paws.

•Both hiss and fluff out their fur when frightened or provoked.

•And, lastly, both readily scratch their ears with their feet and unabashedly lick their hindquarters.

Well, I think we can agree that these revelations are shocking indeed. Excuse me, but I’m going to dislodge this cat from my face.