The Dark Lord Satan went job-hunting last week at UCSD. Of course, I’m not talking about the literal “Beelzebub” version of Satan with the pointy ears and a tail, but the less popular “Lucifer” variety. The Fallen Angel. He who, under the guise of misguided faith, has caused 16 genocides and various assorted evils.
Lucifer had no hair. He also carried a tall handmade sign fastened to his belt that held a couple of particularly poignant Bible verses on one side and the groups those verses supposedly applied to on the other. The Voice of Lucifer was loud and forceful, a fact of which anyone unfortunate enough to be eating lunch in Price Center the afternoon of Feb. 24 quickly became aware.
Yet it is what came out of His Unholy Mouth that is of the most importance. In all of my personal experiences with evil, I have never experienced such vicious and hateful attacks. The topic du jour was homosexuality, the practitioners of which were dubbed “Sodomites” by the Dark Lord. With a loud, psychotic frenzy, Lucifer described the various, well-deserved tortures Sodomites would undertake in His Domain.
A large crowd had gathered, cringing with every new exclamation but helpless to do anything but stand by and watch the train wreck in progress. Police stood by, on pins and needles. In an attempt to lighten up the situation, some lanky kid stepped up to the podium and pretended to agree with His Unholiness, “Yeah, you know what it says in the Bible? We should slit the Sodomites’ throats! Kill them all, men, women and children!”
The crowd nervously laughed at such a ridiculous suggestion. Until Lucifer responded, dead serious, “No, my son, we don’t slit their throats.” (The crowd sighed with relief.)
“We stone them!”
Dead silence. The joke was over. Lucifer had proven his faith, and it scared the bejesus out of all present. The crowd turned ugly, their hatred beginning to match that of the Dark Lord. Shouting flared up on all sides, and angry students were clutching their chairs, ready to use them as bludgeoning implements. It was time to take the street theater a step further and defuse this ticking time bomb.
What would Jesus do? I have no idea. But the topic had shifted to the unholiness of non-Christian religions, so I decided to do what Mel Brooks would do (WWMBD?) and stepped up to the podium.
“The Jews killed Jesus!” I screamed to the waiting multitudes. “And we are all Jews here, for we all have sinned! We all have partaken in the pleasures of hell!”
My overzealous accent was not pleasing Lucifer, who took a swing at me with his sign. Not to be discouraged by His Evil Ways, I continued, “For after all, homosexuality comes from hell! And sodomy comes from hell! And drugs and alcohol come from hell! And decent literature comes from hell!”
My sermon was rising to a fevered pitch.
“And, my friends, if that is what comes of hell and what returns of hell, we should all be thankful for our sinning ways, for hell is where the party is!”
The crowd roared with laughter. I fell to my knees and spread my arms to the sky, “And, by Jesus, if I am wrong, may God strike me down where I stand!”
Again, Lucifer attempted to strike me down where I stood with his Unholy Placard, but God kept his finger off the smite button and I was allowed to continue.
The erstwhile sermon then continued into territory on respecting one’s fellow man and Jesus’ idea of love, and why it is the will of Lucifer to listen only to “those who shout loudest with no discernible logic.” By the end of my 10-minute improvised speech, I received a standing ovation and Lucifer slunk back to His Hyundai, his Unholy Power of Persuasion having been banished from our recently sanctified campus.
Do I feel any guilt or shame for having humiliated this vicious preacher attempting to spread his religious views? Of course not. I have the utmost respect for all religious displays, but I will answer theater with more theater. Any legitimate practitioners of the holy arts are welcome to have their say, but must be open to criticism of their faith, or they might as well not have any faith at all. Strong faith will guide those who are of good will and strong moral character; weak faith will be completely undermined by a half-assed comedy act featuring a preacher character.
Lucifer was suffering from an acute case of Vicious Preacher Disease, and it is Vicious Preacher Disease that has co-opted the universal messages of these religions (mostly Western ones, for some reason) and has caused their venomous filth to be spewed across the planet. But where does Vicious Preacher Disease come from, and what are its roots? Fortunately for you, five years ago my research came across a larval stage.
The year was 2000. I was a lowly freshman, a virgin in every sense of the word, and cynicism had not yet passed over my pasty brow. Life was sweet and uncomplicated. I was walking home from my entry-level chemistry class when a little old lady crossed my path. I had no reason to fear her. I had just seen the ancient Helen Hayes the night before dancing with Volkswagens in “Herbie Rides Again,” so I had an unreasonable expectation that old ladies were full of cupcakes and grace. I was soon to learn otherwise. She stopped me with a smile and a cheaply printed pamphlet.
“Do you mind if I ask you about your religious beliefs?”
Again, the warm and open smile beckoned, so I told her I was a nonpracticing Zen Buddhist who volunteered at a facility to stop hate crimes and made silly G-rated television shows.
Then the little old lady told me I was going to hell.
Sure, she gave it a nice little spin (“I’m sorry that you have to hear this, but you’re going to hell.”), but the fact that this aged woman had sealed my destiny a minute and a half into our exchange was a little bit frightening. I should have been tipped off by one of her questions:
Old Lady: “Do you think you’ll get into Heaven?”
Me: “Sure.”
Old Lady: “And why do you think that?”
Me: “I’m a good person and I help out people however I can.”
Old Lady: “You know, being a good person won’t get you into heaven.”
I still remember those words, five years later: “Being a good person won’t get you into heaven.” Logic explodes like a magic mushroom. No argument or evidence can sway you to the contrary because you have been touched by Vicious Preacher Disease.
Daunting as this affliction may seem, many people live their lives today without the threat of Vicious Preacher Disease. They make their own choices regarding the infinite and shut the fuck up; they lead by example; they try to persuade others by showing how much they own their religion. Then they allow each mind to make its own decision.
But it’s the sufferers of Vicious Preacher Disease who ruin religion for us all. They do it by flying planes into buildings and calling it a Holy War, by lynching transvestites and calling it “protection of the family” or by standing in the middle of Price Center and screaming of the damnation of people attempting to enjoy their lunch.
But there is hope, because sufferers of Smartass Attention Whore Public Disobedience Syndrome are here to help.
