Short Kids are Cool

    We’re all familiar with the type. They are the annoyingly loud people who speak over the movie dialogue or, even worse, contribute to the dialogue or the really, really tall person who sits right in front of you even though they can see that you’re short and there are plenty of other seats available.

    When did going to the movies turn into such an ordeal?

    There seems to be a trend in the world as a whole, where selfishness seems to run rampant. Every time I go to the movies these days, there seems to be that one person who doesn’t realize that you’re sharing this experience with at least 20 or so other people. Hey, would you mind piping down? I don’t enjoy getting out of my seat and missing what’s playing on the screen in order to get the usher in the theater to shut you up. “Local AMC” is not synonymous with “personal movie theater.” Too many people think paying the nine bucks to see “Eurotrip” means they can do whatever they want because they just shelled out a ridiculous amount to see a ridiculous movie.

    No. In case you were confused, you most certainly cannot do that.

    Case in point: When I went to see “The Matrix Revolutions,” the couple sitting behind me kept talking through the final fight scene with the multiple Smiths. When I turned around to shush them, I got a dirty look as if I were the one doing something wrong.

    It’s gotten to the point where people have gotten so comfortable being their self-absorbed selves that when they’re shushed they won’t even get embarrassed and shut the hell up. Instead, they’ll get insulted and talk even louder. This doesn’t solve anything.

    The best is when the two people begin discussing (in depth) the plot of the movie as it’s happening. When I saw “Identity,” the couple next to me discussed everything from the actors to the cinematography. “Oh, John Cusack’s in this?” “Wow, I didn’t know he was in this.” “Well, I guess he is. Ooh, it’s that Ray Liotta fella! You know, I hear he was really good in ‘Muppets from Space.’” “Really? I didn’t see that … ooh, someone’s about to get killed!”

    And so on and so forth, until I finally turned and asked them to please keep it down because, you know, I’m trying to watch the movie. The man asked his wife what I said and she responded (loudly and sarcastically) “She said we need to keep it down.”

    Bitch.

    Here’s a hint: If you have to explain the entire plot and background of the final movie in a fairly suspenseful trilogy, maybe you shouldn’t take that particular person to the movie with you.

    On that note, what’s with people talking to the movie screen? You know, yelling when the big-breasted girl runs away from the knife-wielding psychotic killer really won’t affect the plot. Because if she did escape from the killer, there would be no movie and you’d be bitching about the fact that the movie had no plot.

    Good. Now, shut it.

    While we’re at it, would people mind turning off their phones? The nice little animated features before the movie telling us that silence is golden aren’t up there for kicks. I don’t want to hear any cell phone go off in the middle of the film, and I definitely don’t want to hear anyone talk to whomever calls during the film. No excuses. Is the wife pregnant and about to go into labor? Then why are you sitting in a movie? Worried about the roommate’s crappy college car that has broken down? Tell her to get AAA. Seriously, no excuses, people. If it’s that important, just put the damn thing on vibrate and then leave the theater to take the call! Why is this so hard? People don’t tolerate it when someone answers his or her phone during class, so why should I tolerate it at the movies?

    I really don’t know what’s gotten into the world today. It used to be that you could go to a movie, get a bag of popcorn and a Coke, sit back and enjoy the cinematic beauties on the silver screen. Now, it seems that one has to come prepared with earplugs, duct tape and a multitude of “Shut it, bitch” looks in order to sit through the joy that is “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.”

    I, along with everyone else in the theater, really don’t care what you think of the hottie currently on the screen. Nor do we care about your pedicure issues or how lame it is that Terrell Owens got traded to the Ravens. Save your conversations, thoughts and beliefs for after the movie. Tell it to someone who cares, because the rest of us in the audience sure as hell don’t.

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