I grew up overseas, meaning my exposure to American television was limited to what our current satellite provider decided to broadcast ‹ anything from “”Saved by the Bell”” reruns to the latest season of “”ER.”” The one thing that remained constant, however, were live broadcasts of different awards shows: the Oscars, the Grammy’s, etc. Due to the time difference, the live broadcasts were shown at odd hours ‹ I’m talking 2 a.m., 3 a.m. I used to record these award shows overnight and eagerly watch them the next morning.

But, things have changed. Lately, it seems that there are more award shows than there are actors in Hollywood. And, just like most of the actors in Hollywood, all of the award shows are crap.

The other week, I had the pleasure of watching the so-called “”People’s Choice Awards,”” put on by CBS, featuring a multitude of CBS-owned nominees and others. The show was a joke. The nominees were even worse. Hosted by Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer (stars of CBS’s upcoming comedy “”Two and a Half Men!”” Yay product placement!), the show featured the weirdest combination of nominees you can imagine. First of all, there were only three nominees in each category, leaving many television shows, movies and musical acts out of the picture. Secondly, the mixture of nominees was just strange.

I’ll give you an example: Favorite Male Artist. Any other time, these nominees would be broken down into genres. “”Favorite Male R&B Artist.”” “”Favorite Male Country Artist.”” Ah, but not the People’s Choice Awards! They seemed to think that breaking things down was a bad idea. “”Not to worry,”” I thought. “”Maybe their choices will be some of the top artists in the musical field today.”” Not quite. Favorite Male Artist nominees were 50 Cent, Tim McGraw and Eminem. I have to ask, on what universe is it okay to mix rap and country music for favorite male artist? Meanwhile, in the Favorite Band category, the nominees were Alabama, Brooks & Dunn and Matchbox 20. Who came up with these nominees? They should be shot.

Lately, award shows seem to simply be a way for already overexposed celebrities and famewhores (Sharon Stone, I’m looking at you) to show off their latest fashion-don’ts (paging Lara Flynn Boyle!) in a stupendous mix of booze, shit nominees and even shittier live acts. Just invite them all to the opening of an envelope ‹ we, the viewers wouldn’t have to lose two and a half to three hours of our lives, and the celebrities would be happy being their badly-dressed, famewhorish selves.

The winner for the most obnoxious show of the year must be VH1’s Big in 2003 awards, where Kim Jong II (the leader of North Korea) was nominated for best breakthrough act. It takes something special to nominate someone like that in a category like that, but I guess VH1 had the balls to do so. The show was the biggest waste of three hours that I have ever had the misfortune of sitting through, minus the time my cousin dragged me to see “”From Justin 2 Kelly.””

Meanwhile, the winner for the most nominated show would have to be “”Everybody Loves Raymond.”” Award shows seem to thrive on nominating the same actor/television show over and over again. The worst offense comes from the 2004 Screen Actors Guild awards, which nominated all three of the males on that show in the past year alone. Why? The show really isn’t that fantastic! Stop nominating people who don’t deserve it!

I know I’m an idiot for sitting through these over and over again, but each time I hear of one, I hope there’s a chance that someone decent will either be nominated or win. Sadly, that never happens. Besides, it’s always fun watching celebrities and their horrendous outfits parade around the red carpet. And as for the Oscars, who doesn’t love to watch Joan Rivers get name after name wrong during the pre-show?

If you’re in the mood for self-torture, however, be on the look out because there are many award shows for you to watch in the coming year. The Golden Globes are on later this month, with the Grammy’s and the Oscars coming up quickly in February. But keep your eyes and ears open for some of the lesser shows. After all, you never know when “”The Cat in the Hat”” will be nominated for Best Comedy.